Dr. Filth

The Superhero Gang used a sparkling alabaster tower in the middle of downtown Metro City as their super-secret hideout. The building masqueraded as a bait-and-tackle shop, and local children were invited to fish in the stocked moat. The Superhero Gang was founded by Stupendous Guy, a nearly unstoppable “man-made-of-steel” rumored to come from another planet.

Stupendous Guy found Dr. Filth at Metro City Trust withdrawing the last $20 of Unemployment for beer and cigarettes. Unnoticed in line had been Cat-Herder, one-time leader of the Legion of Badguys. Nearly seven feet tall and half as wide, Cat-Herder punched hard enough to put Stupendous Guy through a concrete wall. Dr. Filth convinced himself Cat-Herder was about to rob Metro City Trust.

Dr. Filth formulated a plan, placing himself behind Cat-Herder in the long line to the tellers. For a moment, he was quiet, studying the situation for the right moment to attack. “Excuse me, sir,” Doc said. From then on, everything went unscripted.

Cat-Herder turned and looked down at Dr. Filth. “What?”

Dr. Filth swallowed a golf ball. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking my mutual fund.” Cat-Herder turned away, his coat flopping open to reveal what Dr. Filth convinced himself was a string of dynamite belted to Cat-Herder’s stomach.

“He’s going to blow up the bank!” Dr. Filth cried, jumping behind the deposit slip kiosk. The rest of the bankers panicked, screaming and diving.

Cat-Herder stood resolute in the center of the chaos, fists on hips, glaring down at Dr. Filth. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” As Cat-Herder reached down, the floor-to-ceiling windows exploded behind him. Glass pebbles sprayed the terrified bankers, and Stupendous Guy made an entrance worthy of his name.

Stupendous Guy arrested Cat-Herder for causing a panic. He was carrying a bomb, but what Dr. Filth saw was a string of sausages Cat-Herder had wrapped around his body for a party that evening. He claimed the other device was a cigarette lighter, but Stupendous Guy had it exploded to be sure. Cat-Herder went up the river for another five years.

Vigilante justice had been legalized in Metro City, after the Legion of Bad Guys manipulated the legal system in Villain City across the river, decriminalizing all crime. The Legion encouraged new villains to pillage freely in Metro City, and no extradition was granted to offenders that made it home. Special "vigilante licences" were issued to private citizens with or without super-powers who wished to seek out justice to take in their own hands.

Dr. Filth never considered himself super. His two biggest dreams were to direct a porn movie and/or find a large box of money. Stupendous Guy was impressed by Dr. Filth's ability to convince himself anything, and felt this would be an excellent quality for a superhero. With his new super-hero name Dr. Filth was drafted into the recently-formed Superhero Gang. The assembled heroes battled villains and monsters to keep Metro City safe for peace, love, and harmony. Dr. Filth was the only hero with dreadlocks.

The world was sad when Stupendous Guy met his death at the hands of an extraterrestrial named Armageddon, but more important, the Superhero Gang was devoid of leadership. Bureaucraticus was appointed chief executive of Superhero Gang Inc. Bureaucraticus felt Dr. Filth’s power had little application in crime-fighting, despite his value as a morale-booster. The cookies Dr. Filth baked before the Armageddon fight had invigorated the Gang enough to rally and help Stupendous Guy overcome the monster with his final breaths. Bureaucraticus was not fond of cookies. He tore up Dr. Filth’s membership card and ordered Incredible Expanding Injun to show Dr. Filth the door.

Dr. Filth was humiliated. His parents had only recently stopped claiming to be dead when he called. Doc briefly considered joining the Legion of Badguys, but villainy was not in his blood. Being a super-hero brought respect, adoration, and the occasional one-night stand. On top of that, he spent his days with the super-strong, the super-smart, the oddly-colored, the incredibly agile, and even a few teleporters.

Printing a thousand business cards, Dr. Filth vowed one final attempt before he gave up super-life. One side provided his name, e-mail address, and cell phone number. The reverse was his symbol: Mudflap Girl, emphasizing the origin of his name in his liberal moral code, not his previous employment as a trash collector. When Metro City was in danger, Dr. Filth fantasized his logo lit in the clouds.

The “first rescue free” promotion was not as effective as Dr. Filth hoped. There was some coverage when he convinced himself he was fireproof and rescued a child from conflagration. Hailed as a hero, the resulting burns kept him out of the field for a week. Eventually, Dr. Filth convinced himself to get a part-time job in Gil’s book store, working for a bent old man who allowed Doc to continue using his super-hero name. Something about old Gil felt familiar. “Follow your dreams!” old Gil would say as they stacked and reorganized piles of books. “You don’t want to stack dusty volumes for the rest of your life, do you? You were a hero, don’t ever forget that. People looked up to you.”

Dr. Filth did not believe that any longer. He hadn’t been a hero. He had tagged along with the heroes, sucking off their respect and popularity. Since then, Dr. Filth drank cheap beer and ate untold amounts of salt potatoes. If Dr. Filth ever been a hero, he didn’t look like one now.

Doc was at the store alone one day when a boxy old gentlemen came in to ask directions to the café next door. Doc knew him from the thick, inky hair and a mink stole draped over his black fur overcoat. Adradian was an arch-nemesis of Stupendous Guy, last rehabbed before the Wolfenstine crisis. Even the Legion of Bad Guys were saying Adradian had retired. Dr. Filth held his breath. He convinced himself the old man was up to something.

Adradian was technically rehabilitated by his last stay in Miskatonic Mens Correctional Facility on Dam Crazy Island off-shore from Metro City. Doc could not arrest or apprehend Adradian until he witnessed or could otherwise prove the old man was doing something wrong. Adradian was a big deal. If Dr. Filth could capture this villain, surely he would be readmitted to the Superhero Gang. All that stood in his way was proving Adradian guilty of a crime within the next half-hour to forty-five minutes. He directed Adradian upstairs to give himself time to formulate a plan.

If only Doc could convince himself he didn’t need right and wrong. He had a superpower, and that made him above the law. As a super-hero, he offered his life night and day to the scum who’d prey on the innocent. Dr. Filth was a better human being because of what he did. He should be able to throw down this dry scarecrow and worry about questions later.

Dr. Filth locked up at Gil’s and found Adradian at a table in back. He could not destroy Adradian unless the old man was presenting a direct threat to another human being. Right now, the monster was hunched over a chair staring at a cup of weak tea. Doc did not feel threatened. If anything, Adradian looked sad.

Bureaucraticus had been right. Dr. Filth didn't have any powers, he was a normal person, with a normal name, and his only talent was collecting garbage. Dr. Filth was a failure as a super-hero.

“You done with the paper?” Adradian asked, snapping Doc from his stupor. The old man spoke in a thick, Hungarian accent.

“Huh? Oh yeah. Not even reading.” Keeping eyes lowered, Doc pushed the paper out from under his arm and passed it to Adradian. Dr. Filth considered including his last business card.

“Thank you,” Adradian said, unfolding the paper in front of his face.

A woman in a fur hat came in the back door. She glared at Adradian hatefully as she passed, and returned a few minutes later with a tall glass of chocolate Smoothy. She sat down opposite Adradian and stared at the newspaper a few seconds. “Are we talking through the newspaper, because that always looks silly.”

“Oh Lucille!” Adradian moaned in feigned surprise, crumpling the paper like a curtain. “I didn’t see you’d arrived. Are you sure this is something we should discuss in such a public location?”

“I’m not going anywhere with you I can’t be seen, if that’s what you’re asking.” The woman sighed and sipped her Smoothy. “I have hear about your son through the grapevine these days.”

“Then maybe Hallie should quit wasting her minutes calling him,” Adradian said, rolling his eyes. “My son has moved on. He has a new job, you know? Very stressful.”

“She’s scared. She doesn’t know who to talk to.”

“That child does not belong to my son.”

“If your son doesn't pay for this baby,” Lucille said, "I'll make sure you do.”

“You plan to blackmail the Superhero Gang’s new chief executive officer?” Adradian asked with a smile. “Bureaucraticus does not have time for your gold-digging daughter.”

Dr. Filth’s cell phone began to ring.

Adradian and Lucille glared at Dr. Filth.

“I’m sorry,” Dr. Filth said, chuckling. “It’s my boss. Probably wants me to work. Excuse me, I’ll get out of your way.”

“Sit back down,” ordered Lucille. "He's in the Superhero Gang, isn't he?”

Adradian narrowed his eye and smiled. “I believe you're right!” he said and laughed. "I've seen him shuffling behind Stupendous Guy and my son.”

Lucille put down her chocolate Smoothy and stood over Dr. Filth’s table. “He has some stupid power. What is it?”

“I can convince myself anything,” Dr. Filth said weakly.

Lucille grinned with her teeth. “That's not who you need to convince right now.”

“She told you to sit down, boy,” Adradian said.

Dr. Filth jumped to his feet, pointing. “Adradian, you are under arrest!” People around the café were taking notice. Dr. Filth imagined he would be banned again soon, but that didn't matter as long as justice was served. “Put your hands where I can see them, both of you!”

Adradian’s fingers looked like gnarled branches extended before him. “Shall I show you what real powers look like?”

“Let me do it, Dray,” Lucille said. “You’re rehabbed.” A gun jumped in Lucille’s hand. “I don’t need powers to finish off this panty-waste.” Lucille extended the gun and drew back the hammer with her thumb. “Any last words, cowboy?”

“Displaying a live firearm in Metro City limits is a felony offense, Evyl Linn!” That came from old Gil, smashing in the back door. “You can hand that to me, you’re going to the slammer!” Gil was no longer old and bent, standing telephone-post straight with hands on hips. Dr. Filth realized what was familiar.

“Stupendous Guy!” Lucille cried. “You’re alive!”

"Why do you think I insisted on this coffee-jerk?" Adradian asked, wiping his hands. "Miskatonic Island is lovely this time of year, Lucille. She's yours, Tad."

Lucille grinned at Stupendous Guy. "I like the way you thinned out your hair for the costume."

“I’ll take the weapon please,” Stupendous Guy said, palm up.

Evyl Linn fired three times into Stupendous Guy’s chest, but the bullets ricocheted into the walls, narrowly missing a hipster eating a turkey wrap. Stupendous Guy grabbed the gun and crunched it like a beer can to toss over his shoulder. Evyl Linn jumped out of reach and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Stupendous Guy looked confused. “All these years and I had no idea she was a teleporter.” He smiled the trademarked beaming smile (registered), and said, “Good to see you’re back in the neighborhood, old friend.”

“And I’m an innocent man." Adradian shook his way out from behind the table. “I’m rehabbed, a private citizen under your protection. I’m late for my medication, my doctor can verify that. If you’ll excuse me...” Adradian shambled out the back door and across the red brick courtyard.

Newspaper reporters were already arriving for the scoop on Stupendous Guy’s return from the dead. He told the assembled media he’d been trapped in a death-like state by Armageddon's radiation. This trance had evolved Stupendous Guy’s cells to be more powerful and help in his ongoing mission to keep Metro City safe. He announced that both he and Dr. Filth would be returning to the Superhero Gang post haste. People cheered. Everyone was happy, except Bureaucraticus, of course.

That night, when press went home and the other superheroes went to bed, Stupendous Guy asked Dr. Filth to help with first watch. They were both silent at first, then talked about their adventures. Dr. Filth finally convinced himself to ask the question that had been bothering him all night. “Why did you fake your death? If that radiation story was true, all the Gang would be in trances, or worse.”

“My prolonged exposure...”

“They kept Armageddon’s body in my room for a week before we shot him into space.”

Stupendous Guy coughed and scratched his nose. “I wanted to retire. Your single Moon may give me great powers, but it has given me long life as well. I’ve already lived two or three times longer than people on my homeworld. I’m tired, Doctor, I don't know how much longer I can be Stupendous Guy. The Superhero Gang was created to replace me. After I fought Armageddon, I needed a vacation, so I took some time off as Gil. That Bureaucraticus really screwed things up, didn’t he? I should probably start running background checks.”

“You didn’t know he was Adradian’s son?”

Stupendous Guy shrugged. “He told me he wanted to work, so I gave him a job. I assume the best in people. Deceit is a facet of humanity I may never understand.”

“You’d think he’d be honored you let him stay in the Gang. I can’t believe they turned my room into a stable.”

“I’ll help you clean it out tomorrow,” Stupendous Guy said, pouring a glass of Scotch for Dr. Filth. “This is a little better than the Moosehead you’re always going on about.”

Dr. Filth recoiled at the first sip.

“Bureaucraticus promised to be good," Stupendous Guy said, staring into space. "Neither he or his father committed any crimes. Evyl Linn opened fire and disappeared awful fast though. I'm sure we’ll hear from her soon. Until that changes, I’ll have to give them the doubt. If you’re born a hero, you’ll die a hero. If that doesn’t convince you to do the right thing, I can’t imagine anything that will.” Stupendous Guy finished his Scotch and poured more.

END