Nutritional Values

LIGHTS UP

Three tables of a fast food restaurant. STRANGER is sitting at the left-most table eating a sandwich. He is dressed in black and reading a book about Anarchy. FATHER enters with a heaping tray of food and starts to sit at the right-most table, hesitates, looking at Stranger a few seconds. FATHER sits at the center table and unwraps a cheeseburger.

FATHER

I hear this stuff’ll kill ya!

STRANGER looks at him a moment and goes back to eating his sandwich.

FATHER (cont)

I was going to read the nutritional information on those pamphlets up there, but they were all covered with ketchup.

STRANGER lets out a forced chuckle, but says nothing.

FATHER (cont)

It could say in big letters, “We’re trying to kill you!” and no one would ever see it!

STRANGER

Probably.

STRANGER goes back to his food. Short silence.

FATHER

Sure is good though.

STRANGER

Mmm Hmm.

FATHER

What’d you get?

STRANGER holds up his sandwich without looking at Father.

FATHER (cont)

I got a Double Burger with extra cheese. Look at that! It’s one hell of a big sandwich! I don’t usually get that much, but I’m celebrating.

STRANGER

Celebrating, eh?

FATHER

I just took my son to the doctor.

STRANGER

That’s nice.

FATHER

It takes a while for him to get in here. He wouldn’t miss this though. He doesn’t enjoy going to the doctor.

STRANGER

Does anyone?

FATHER

I promised him we could eat wherever he wants.

STRANGER

And he picked this?

FATHER

He loves it. Can’t get enough.

MEATBALL enters. He is 10 years old and disgustingly fat, resembling a beach ball. STRANGER is unable to hide his shock for a moment.

MEATBALL

Daddy, I want a cheeseburger!

FATHER

This is my son, Meatball.

STRANGER

Meatball?

MEATBALL

Cheeseburger!

Father hands MEATBALL a $10 bill.

FATHER

There’s $10. That should cover it.

MEATBALL exits.

STRANGER

You call him, ‘Meatball?’

FATHER

My wife doesn’t call him that.

STRANGER

Well... If this is what he likes...

FATHER

I’m not blind, I know he has a problem. He knows he has a problem, the kids at school tell him all the time. I know what you must be thinking!

STRANGER

No, no, it’s cool. I wasn’t trying to say anything.

FATHER

But I promised him.

STRANGER

Why’d he see the doctor?

FATHER

His stomach’s been hurting.

STRANGER

Nothing bad, I guess.

FATHER

What, like a heart attack? High cholesterol? Diabetes? Not yet, thank God!

STRANGER

What was it?

FATHER

Constipation!

STRANGER

Constipation?

FATHER

His gut was so packed with cheeseburgers that he couldn’t poop!

STRANGER

Gross.

MEATBALL returns.

MEATBALL

Daddy! More money.

FATHER

Oh sorry. Think twenty will cover it?

Father hands MEATBALL a dollar bill.

MEATBALL

Yay!

MEATBALL exits. Father crams a burger in his mouth while STRANGER watches, visibly disgusted. When Father is done, he licks his fingers clean and looks at STRANGER, smiling.

STRANGER

Do you think he should be eating that much? For lunch, I mean.

FATHER

I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never given him this much at once before. I’m not sure what might happen to him.

STRANGER

He looks kind of winded.

FATHER

I should get that little piggy on a diet, huh?

STRANGER

What’d you say?

FATHER

If I give him money for anything, it should be a salad? Organically grown, of course.

STRANGER

And some fruit juice!

FATHER

Oh, definitely. Watch though, he’ll come back with a load of burgers bigger than mine. Extra grease. He loves the grease. Hell, if he could get them to give him a bucket of grease scraped right outta the fryer, he’d probably suck it down with a straw.

STRANGER

I hate to be rude, but I’ve got to do some reading... for class.

FATHER

Oh, yeah, no problem. I understand..

STRANGER

Thanks.

FATHER

Was your Dad like me?

STRANGER

Don’t talk about my Dad.

FATHER

Did he ever bring you to places like this?

STRANGER

Sometimes. Once in a while.

FATHER

Meatball comes here once or twice a week. Sometimes more.

STRANGER

My father wouldn’t take me that often.

FATHER

I bet you’d go if he let you.

STRANGER

(beat)
Yeah, probably.

FATHER

Was your family poor?

STRANGER

That’s none of your business.

FATHER

We’re not poor. My wife doesn’t need to work, and we have plenty of money for Meatball to eat here as much as he wants.

STRANGER

I don’t think he should come here so often.

FATHER

Oh, I agree. Look at him, he’s disgusting!

Enter MEATBALL.

MEATBALL

Daddy! I need more!

FATHER

Here’s ten more.

Exit MEATBALL.

STRANGER

This is why he’s so disgusting!

FATHER

Yes, of course. Someone should stop these corporations! They are poisoning our youth!

STRANGER

You’re giving them money!

FATHER

You’re exactly right! These companies are pumping us full of chemicals you can hardly classify as food, and the animals they made it out of ten years ago have been mashed up and fed to each other so many times they’re growing eyes in new places.

STRANGER

Well... yes...

FATHER

And these fat, greasy bastards are sitting their in their gold-lined offices counting the money they make off my death.

STRANGER

(hesitant) Yes.

FATHER

You're just like my daughter, with all the black clothes and the whacky political views. I figure it’s just a phase.

STRANGER

Well, if you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

FATHER

And by God! I am part of the problem! Until today, that is.

STRANGER

Why is that?

FATHER

If you want a solution, you’ve got to do it yourself, and I’m a do-it-yourself kind of guy!

STRANGER

I don’t think thirty dollars in cheeseburgers is the answer.

FATHER

Forty! Fifty, if I need to. We hit the bank on the way here. I’ll use up my life-savings if necessary.

STRANGER

Eating cheeseburgers?

FATHER

Meatball and I are going to eat cheeseburgers until we can’t any more. Then we’ll sit here until we can do it all again.

STRANGER

What’s wrong with you?

FATHER

I promised! I told him when we finished at the doctor’s, he could eat wherever he wanted. I can’t break a promise, can I?

STRANGER

He’s going to be sick for a week!

FATHER

Have you ever seen the kitchen in a place like this? It’ll be two weeks if it’s a day!

STRANGER

Who let you have kids?!

FATHER

Call someone! Have them taken away. A monster like me should not be put in direct responsibility for another human life! What kind of parent would let his child look like Meatball without realizing there is a problem. I’m a do-it-yourself guy though. When today is through, he’ll never want to look at those sandwiches again as long as he lives.

MEATBALL enters.

MEATBALL

Daddy! More money!

STRANGER exits while FATHER is not looking.

FATHER

I’ll give you twenty if you get me another Deluxe with extra cheese.

MEATBALL

Yes, Daddy.

Exit MEATBALL. FATHER sees Stranger is gone. FATHER shrugs and returns to his meal.
LIGHTS DOWN.