Setting: A small apartment with a wide view. COFFEE MAKER is on stage.
BRUCE and JANESSA enter
JANESSA
Wow, Bruce, this place is really nice.BRUCE
Yeah, it’s a little more than I need, I guess, but you know, the Executive Assistant to Mr. Rozenkrutz can afford to splurge a little.JANESSA
Oh yeah, that must be exciting. Mr. R is just amazing. I watch him all day. Go go go, he never stops moving.BRUCE
I hope I have that kind of energy when I’m his age.JANESSA
And money.BRUCE
Yeah, well of course money. That goes without saying.JANESSA
So what did you do before you worked with Mr. R?BRUCE
I, uh... I worked in Customer Service.JANESSA
Really? Where at?BRUCE
SpectraCom... with you, Janessa.
JANESSA
Oh, you must have just started.BRUCE
Operator 412? You transferred to me all the time.
JANESSA
I don’t really keep track of names until after 2 weeks. I always say, if they don’t make it that long, there’s no point in keeping track, right?
BRUCE
Yeah. I was there when you started. Whatever, didn’t I promise somebody a drink?JANESSA
Sound’s wonderful, then I’ll be ready for a night on the town.BRUCE
I’ll be right back! BRUCE exits. JANESSA looks around the room.
JANESSA
Hey Bruce... where’s all your furniture? BRUCE enters with two glasses.
BRUCE
I uh... It's still at my old place. I haven’t had time to bring it over. You know... work work work.JANESSA
No doubt. Hey, this is good, what is it?BRUCE
A rum runner. It’s got cider and carbonated water.JANESSA
It’s delicious. Where do you go on a Friday night?BRUCE
Uh... yeah... well, there are a few fun places, but I was thinking about... well... where do you normally go?JANESSA
Oh, any place downtown, where ever the party is best is where I end up.BRUCE
Oh, sure thing. We could go to... uh...JANESSA
My drink is empty!BRUCE
I'll get another?
BRUCE takes glass, exits. JANESSA looks around, stops at COFFEE MAKER box, inspects it, takes it out of box, plugs it in. BRUCE enters.
JANESSA
Nice coffee pot.BRUCE
Yeah, my mom bought it for me... er... uh... it was a Christmas present. You know... uh... I drink a lot of coffee.JANESSA
Work work work! JANESSA goes to look out window. BRUCE turns away in embarrassment.
JANESSA
Nice view. JANESSA jumps and cries out.
JANESSA
Hey!BRUCE
What?JANESSA
What do you think you’re doing?BRUCE
Um... I don’t know?JANESSA
You just pinched my butt!BRUCE
I didn’t!JANESSA
Do you think I’m some kind of half-wit bimbo? I work very hard, Bruce. I am a very intelligent woman.BRUCE
Of course, I know, I’m sure, but Janessa, I swear, it wasn’t me!JANESSA
Well, don’t let it happen again. Did you think of some place to go yet?BRUCE
Well, the Spot is always fun.JANESSA
Eww, that place is filthy, and the bathrooms smell like pee.BRUCE
But it’s got charm!JANESSA
Well, I think we should be going some place a little more classy. You know, to celebrate this big promotion.JANESSA kisses BRUCE.
BRUCE
Okay!JANESSA
I mean, if you’re not too sick of celebrating yet.BRUCE
No, not really. I mean... you know... I haven’t really had a chance... you know... uh... (cheers up) work work work!JANESSA
Well, then this is a perfect opportunity. Name the place and let’s get moving.BRUCE
My drink is empty! BRUCE exits. JANESSA inspects the room. Just as BRUCE enters, she jumps and cries out.
JANESSA
Pervert!BRUCE
I didn’t do anything!JANESSA
I know what a butt-pinch feels like, Bruce!BRUCE
I was over here!JANESSA
The first time was cute, but that is really inappropriate, do you understand me?BRUCE
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, I swear on my mother’s grave that I didn’t do a thing.JANESSA
Your mother is dead?BRUCE
Well, not her literal grave, but you know, the eventual place, where some day, well... I guess my whole family some day... hopefully... but look, Janessa, I didn’t do a thing. I was in the other room. I wouldn’t dream of pinching your butt, unless, of course, that’s what you wanted, but clearly you don’t, and I didn’t, I swear!JANESSA
You swear?BRUCE
I swear.JANESSA
I wonder what it was. Do you think I should see a doctor? I mean, what if something is broken down there? Maybe my butt-pinch receptors are misfiring or something.BRUCE
Well, I’m not an expert, but I did stay at a Motel 6 last night.JANESSA
He really has you traveling everywhere, doesn’t he?BRUCE
In the last two weeks, I’ve woken up in more new towns than in my entire life. I don’t mind. Makes me feel like a rock star.JANESSA
What do you do, just drive around and talk to people?BRUCE
JANESSA
Then party all night long?BRUCE
Well... no... mostly I just fall asleep watching television in the hotel.JANESSA
Doesn’t sound very rock star to me.BRUCE
Monday I drank a whole six pack by myself. Look, I’ve been racking my brain for the best place to go, and... BRUCE is about to put his arm around JANESSA when she cries out and jumps.
JANESSA
Hey! I suppose you are going to say you didn’t do that.BRUCE
Do what? I didn’t do anything.JANESSA
You’ve got problems, Bruce. (Gathers her coat) If you can’t show a little respect and keep your hands to yourself, then I’ve got to be going.BRUCE
Janessa, I didn’t, I swear!JANESSA
And I’m about to swear, so you just take a step back, and I’ll see you at work on Monday.BRUCE
Janessa...!JANESSA
I really misjudged you, Bruce. JANESSA exits. BRUCE sits, sulks.
COFFEE MAKER
Hey...! Over here...! Right here... the coffee maker!BRUCE
Holy shit, I didn’t know she got me a coffee maker that talks!COFFEE MAKER
No, no, I don’t... well, this model doesn’t, but I do.BRUCE
What?COFFEE MAKER
I’m posessed... I’m a possessed coffee maker.BRUCE
You’re kidding.COFFEE MAKER
You’re talking to your coffee maker. If I’m kidding, you’re crazy.BRUCE
You’re possessed? By demons?COFFEE MAKER
No, no, just a spirit.BRUCE
Oh.COFFEE MAKER
You sound disappointed.BRUCE
No, no... well... I guess a little.COFFEE MAKER
I’m not just any spirit.BRUCE
No?COFFEE MAKER
Nope, I worked for Vlad Tepes?BRUCE
Who?COFFEE MAKER
Vlad... Drakul.BRUCE
No idea.COFFEE MAKER
Dracula.BRUCE
You worked for Bela Legosi?COFFEE MAKER
No, not Bela Legosi.BRUCE
Gary Oldman?COFFEE MAKER
No!BRUCE
...Christopher Lee?COFFEE MAKER
No! Vlad Tepes! The real Dracula, the Carpathian prince... Vlad the Impaler.BRUCE
Oh.COFFEE MAKER
You’re not impressed?BRUCE
I guess a little. Your punishment was to be in my coffee maker? What did you do?COFFEE MAKER
I was his cook.BRUCE
His cook? That’s it?COFFEE MAKER
The one and only... Well... I mean... There were others, but I was the famous one.BRUCE
There was a famous one?COFFEE MAKER
Yeah, you know... He liked to eat a fried egg in the forest of the impaled?BRUCE
I didn’t even know who he was.COFFEE MAKER
All right, he was a Carpathian Prince that used to impale his enemies on long wooden poles. He used to enjoy eating fried eggs among them. Work with me on this, all right?BRUCE
All right, fine, just go on.COFFEE MAKER
Well, I was the one who fried the egg!BRUCE
And now you live in my coffee maker?COFFEE MAKER
Yep.BRUCE
And what are you planning to do with my coffee maker?COFFEE MAKER
Oh, you know, harassing you, screaming at you, making a mockery of God... the usual.BRUCE
From my coffee maker.COFFEE MAKER
Yeah... I mean, I’ll do other things too, change channels on the TV, call you up on the phone late at night.BRUCE
And do what?COFFEE MAKER
Probably just hang up on you, but you’ll be awake at that point, so you’ll be pretty pissed. Then I’ll start throwing dishes against the walls, mess up your house, shit like that. I’m going to make your life a living hell!BRUCE
Was that you pinching Janessa’s ass?COFFEE MAKER
Heck yeah! She’s got a cute hinder, Bruce. You’d better hit that fast, or I’m going to make a move myself.BRUCE
Sounds irritating.COFFEE MAKER
Yeah, you know that’s my lot in life... er... death, as it were.BRUCE
And what happens if I unplug this cord?COFFEE MAKER
Hey! Bruce! Let’s not get crazy, all right? Hands off! Hands off! BRUCE unplugs COFFEE MAKER.
BRUCE
Oh look, that sucks. What do you have to say about that? That’s right, nothing. You don’t have any power. Now watch this. BRUCE puts COFFEE MAKER back in its box and inside a cupboard.
BRUCE
Now you’re locked in the cupboard. That was a pretty easy problem to neutralize. Try throwing my cups against the wall now, you miserable piece of shit. Lights Down
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