CAST OF CHARACTERS
Anti the Hero–A young man seeking the meaning of life.
Mr. Lazarus–The Devil in the flesh. He has promised to answer Anti the Hero’s questions.
The Priest–He is overseeing the funeral for the Voice of Morality.
The Great World Leader–He is a mourner at the funeral. His motives are not necessarily pure.
The Voice of Morality–The fair lady is recently deceased.
Lights go up. Stage is set up in more of a mockery of a church, with everything draped in red.. To the left, there is a raised dias with a pulpit on it. Laying before the pulpit is a great oak coffin, adorned with silk, and containing the body of a young woman with golden hair. On the ground before the dias there are two pews facing the audience. Behind them is a set of ornate double doors lined with gold. On the right side of the stage, there is a large, warped wooden sign with the words “CONCESSION STAND” with an arrow poorly lettered in red. From the right side of the stage a PRIEST enters. His robes are blood-red and his hair is white. He crosses the stage and kneels before the coffin. He sobs once and covers his eyes.
PRIEST
A poet once claimed there is nothing more beautiful than a young woman in death, but while looking at this pitiable scene, how could anyone agree?
A poet once claimed there is nothing more beautiful than a young woman in death, but while looking at this pitiable scene, how could anyone agree?
He stands up and walks to the edge of the stage, giving the audience a pleading look.
This fair young thing was struck by darkness in the prime of her life. Look at her skin! So smooth and pale. Her hair like threads of gold. She would have taken the world in her arms, if she had her chance. Instead, she lies here in all her fineries. What a tragedy, indeed!
Unseen by the Priest, ANTI THE HERO enters through the church doors. He is young, dark and brooding. He puts his hands in his pockets and watches the Priest a few moments.
ANTI THE HERO
What was her name?
What was her name?
The Priest jumps and turns around.
PRIEST
What? Who... Who are you?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, friend, I believe it was her name I asked for, but I am called Anti the Hero.
PRIEST
Antihero, huh? I don’t care about things like that. What’s your name boy, your name.
ANTI THE HERO
No, no sir, that’s my name. Anti the Hero.
PRIEST
Oh...
What? Who... Who are you?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, friend, I believe it was her name I asked for, but I am called Anti the Hero.
PRIEST
Antihero, huh? I don’t care about things like that. What’s your name boy, your name.
ANTI THE HERO
No, no sir, that’s my name. Anti the Hero.
PRIEST
Oh...
More to himself
Your parents must have hated you.
ANTI THE HERO
Excuse me, sir?
PRIEST
Nothing, nothing, never mind.
ANTI THE HERO
Again, I beg, what was her name?
PRIEST
What are you doing here, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Excuse me, sir?
PRIEST
Nothing, nothing, never mind.
ANTI THE HERO
Again, I beg, what was her name?
PRIEST
What are you doing here, boy?
Anti the Hero sighs loudly and turns away from the Priest, throwing up his hands in frustration.
ANTI THE HERO
Well, I’m here to meet a Mr. Lazarus, sir.
PRIEST
Lazarus?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, a Mr. Lazarus. I have an appointment with him this afternoon. He was to tell me the meaning of life.
PRIEST
Lazarus? You’re bringing Lazarus here? Now? (Beat) During this funeral?
Well, I’m here to meet a Mr. Lazarus, sir.
PRIEST
Lazarus?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, a Mr. Lazarus. I have an appointment with him this afternoon. He was to tell me the meaning of life.
PRIEST
Lazarus? You’re bringing Lazarus here? Now? (Beat) During this funeral?
Anti the Hero twiddles his thumbs nervously.
ANTI THE HERO
No, sir, he brought me here. He said he needed to attend this funeral. He told me that he and the deceased were very dear friends.
PRIEST
Lazarus?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, we’ve covered that, sir.
PRIEST
Boy, don’t you know about Lazarus? (beat) Why, he’s the Devil himself, spit up from Hell to do his dark deeds on the Earth.
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, I know that, sir.
No, sir, he brought me here. He said he needed to attend this funeral. He told me that he and the deceased were very dear friends.
PRIEST
Lazarus?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, we’ve covered that, sir.
PRIEST
Boy, don’t you know about Lazarus? (beat) Why, he’s the Devil himself, spit up from Hell to do his dark deeds on the Earth.
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, I know that, sir.
The Priest is flabbergasted.
PRIEST
You know that?
ANTI THE HERO
That’s what I said, sir.
PRIEST
Tell me, boy, who seeks the meaning of life from the Prince of Darkness himself?
You know that?
ANTI THE HERO
That’s what I said, sir.
PRIEST
Tell me, boy, who seeks the meaning of life from the Prince of Darkness himself?
Anti the Hero pauses a moment, nervously glancing from the Priest to the audience.
ANTI THE HERO
Well... Me, sir.
PRIEST
He’s the Father of Lies!
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, I know, sir.
PRIEST
Then why ask him for the meaning of life?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, sir...
PRIEST
Speak up, boy, I’m a bit deaf. Does make it a bit difficult in that confession. Sometimes I have such a hard time hearing the sins being confessed that I assign an arbitrary number of Hail Mary’s and Simon Says’s. No doubt makes the person feel better about themselves, and I’m sure the Lord don’t mind.
Well... Me, sir.
PRIEST
He’s the Father of Lies!
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, I know, sir.
PRIEST
Then why ask him for the meaning of life?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, sir...
PRIEST
Speak up, boy, I’m a bit deaf. Does make it a bit difficult in that confession. Sometimes I have such a hard time hearing the sins being confessed that I assign an arbitrary number of Hail Mary’s and Simon Says’s. No doubt makes the person feel better about themselves, and I’m sure the Lord don’t mind.
Anti the Hero speaks up.
ANTI THE HERO
Well, sir, like most people, I have been trying to answer that question all my life. I’ve asked everyone I’ve come in contact with, and they have all told me to look in those places where they found meaning for their own lives. I’ve gone to school, I’ve paid in church, and I’ve turned an ear to what my government has to say. I’ve tried to live life as they saw fit, but it turns out that when I applied their rules to my own life, it was just a lie. I realized that if I ask the Devil, I know what I’m getting.
Well, sir, like most people, I have been trying to answer that question all my life. I’ve asked everyone I’ve come in contact with, and they have all told me to look in those places where they found meaning for their own lives. I’ve gone to school, I’ve paid in church, and I’ve turned an ear to what my government has to say. I’ve tried to live life as they saw fit, but it turns out that when I applied their rules to my own life, it was just a lie. I realized that if I ask the Devil, I know what I’m getting.
He puts a hand to his chin and looks at the Priest in an accusatory fashion.
Tell me, dear Priest, would you agree that there is but one Truth?
The Priest looks offended that such a question could ever be asked.
PRIEST
Well... Of course I would!
ANTI THE HERO
Well then, if everything the Devil says is a lie, it is the opposite of the Truth! All I have to do is look to the opposite of what he tells me, and I find the true meaning, wouldn’t you say?
Well... Of course I would!
ANTI THE HERO
Well then, if everything the Devil says is a lie, it is the opposite of the Truth! All I have to do is look to the opposite of what he tells me, and I find the true meaning, wouldn’t you say?
The Priest thinks it over.
PRIEST
I must say, you present a convincing argument.
ANTI THE HERO
You should try it some time. That is why I’m seeking the meaning of life from the Prime Shaker himself.
I must say, you present a convincing argument.
ANTI THE HERO
You should try it some time. That is why I’m seeking the meaning of life from the Prime Shaker himself.
PRIEST
Isn’t there already a movie or two about this? Couldn’t you just watch one of those? It would save us all a lot of time.
ANTI THE HERO
I already tried that. They were just trying to sell me something.
Isn’t there already a movie or two about this? Couldn’t you just watch one of those? It would save us all a lot of time.
ANTI THE HERO
I already tried that. They were just trying to sell me something.
The Priest covers up his face with dismay.
PRIEST
Must you take a knock at everything we hold dear?
ANTI THE HERO
Sorry sir, it’s an affliction I’ve had my whole life.
PRIEST
Well, you can’t have this meeting here. Not during this funeral. This pure lady does not deserve to have her final moments above the Earth profaned by the presence of a man like Lazarus.
ANTI THE HERO
“Upon the Earth.”
PRIEST
Excuse me?
ANTI THE HERO
You said, “Above the Earth.” If she is so good, won’t the rest of her days be spent above the Earth?
PRIEST
Are you here to argue semantics, or are you here to grieve?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, neither, sir. As I said, I’m here to meet with Mr. L...
PRIEST
Mr. Lazarus, Mr. Lazarus, yes, I know, I heard you. What I’m telling you is that you can’t. Not during this funeral. It’s booked.
ANTI THE HERO
He said you would say that, sir.
PRIEST
What?
ANTI THE HERO
Mr. Lazarus... He... Uh... He said you would say that.
Must you take a knock at everything we hold dear?
ANTI THE HERO
Sorry sir, it’s an affliction I’ve had my whole life.
PRIEST
Well, you can’t have this meeting here. Not during this funeral. This pure lady does not deserve to have her final moments above the Earth profaned by the presence of a man like Lazarus.
ANTI THE HERO
“Upon the Earth.”
PRIEST
Excuse me?
ANTI THE HERO
You said, “Above the Earth.” If she is so good, won’t the rest of her days be spent above the Earth?
PRIEST
Are you here to argue semantics, or are you here to grieve?
ANTI THE HERO
Well, neither, sir. As I said, I’m here to meet with Mr. L...
PRIEST
Mr. Lazarus, Mr. Lazarus, yes, I know, I heard you. What I’m telling you is that you can’t. Not during this funeral. It’s booked.
ANTI THE HERO
He said you would say that, sir.
PRIEST
What?
ANTI THE HERO
Mr. Lazarus... He... Uh... He said you would say that.
He digs a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket.
He said to show you this, sir.
Anti the Hero hands the paper to the Priest. The Priest looks over the paper after opening it.
Mr. Lazarus said he booked this meeting some time ago, before it was booked by a funeral.
PRIEST
Yes... Well, it appears to be all in order... But... But, but... Funerals take precedence over meetings in this church! Especially meetings with one Mr. Lazarus!
ANTI THE HERO
You’ll notice that this contract stipulates even a funeral won’t take such precedence. You signed it yourself, sir.
PRIEST
Oh... Yes, I see that there. However, you will have to hurry with your meeting. I will have a host of great world leaders in a few moments. I can’t have them thinking I associate with such shady characters as Mr. Lazarus.
ANTI THE HERO
We can stay as long as we like, sir.
PRIEST
Oh no! You cannot!
ANTI THE HERO
Yes sir, unlike your current client, Mr. Lazarus said he has paid in full for this event.
PRIEST
True... And that money is already spent. We used it to buy the new cross on the church steeple. We can’t go giving that back, can we?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, not really.
PRIEST
Well... How long do you think this is going to be? No mourners are scheduled to show up for a little while. I’d really just appreciate it if you could finish up before they get here. This has been quite a shock to all of them. They won’t know what to do without her.
ANTI THE HERO
I trust they will find their way. (beat) Something smells funny.
Yes... Well, it appears to be all in order... But... But, but... Funerals take precedence over meetings in this church! Especially meetings with one Mr. Lazarus!
ANTI THE HERO
You’ll notice that this contract stipulates even a funeral won’t take such precedence. You signed it yourself, sir.
PRIEST
Oh... Yes, I see that there. However, you will have to hurry with your meeting. I will have a host of great world leaders in a few moments. I can’t have them thinking I associate with such shady characters as Mr. Lazarus.
ANTI THE HERO
We can stay as long as we like, sir.
PRIEST
Oh no! You cannot!
ANTI THE HERO
Yes sir, unlike your current client, Mr. Lazarus said he has paid in full for this event.
PRIEST
True... And that money is already spent. We used it to buy the new cross on the church steeple. We can’t go giving that back, can we?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, not really.
PRIEST
Well... How long do you think this is going to be? No mourners are scheduled to show up for a little while. I’d really just appreciate it if you could finish up before they get here. This has been quite a shock to all of them. They won’t know what to do without her.
ANTI THE HERO
I trust they will find their way. (beat) Something smells funny.
The Priest looks down in embarrassment.
PRIEST
Well, it’s the body... It has been sitting here before the pulpit for two or three days, and it has been a bit warm.
ANTI THE HERO
I see... She has started moldering.
Well, it’s the body... It has been sitting here before the pulpit for two or three days, and it has been a bit warm.
ANTI THE HERO
I see... She has started moldering.
The Priest is aghast.
PRIEST
Why, this flesh will surely be sanctified! Moldering? This sweet thing will never molder!
ANTI THE HERO
Don’t you think that’s a lot to ask for such an overworked young lady, especially in her current state? Now, could you kindly answer my initial question and tell me her name!
PRIEST
Her name, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, who was she? I look at her face, and I feel like I know her, though her features are twisted and deformed from what I once knew.
PRIEST
Deformed? Why, she is the vision of beauty.
ANTI THE HERO
Vision of beauty? Look at the way her skin pulsates and moves with the waves of maggots under that thin veil! Trust me, she was carrying those long before her demise!
PRIEST
I will not have you speak ill of the dead! You can see she was the loveliest woman to ever live!
ANTI THE HERO
Smoke, mirrors, and a lot of makeup! You’ve made a harlot into a celebrity. When I knew her, she was something foul and ugly. Her dead eyes and blackened teeth are hidden by closed eyelids and dentures, but I would recognize that stench anywhere. Tell me that whore’s name!
PRIEST
Get out! Get out of my church!
ANTI THE HERO
Your church? I thought this was God’s house.
PRIEST
And I’m the steward while the Lord is away, and I say to get out of here now!
ANTI THE HERO
And I will not leave until you have told me her name!
PRIEST
I won’t!
ANTI THE HERO
Pitiable little Priest! Speak now! What was she called?
LAZARUS (Off Stage)
The Voice of Morality!
Why, this flesh will surely be sanctified! Moldering? This sweet thing will never molder!
ANTI THE HERO
Don’t you think that’s a lot to ask for such an overworked young lady, especially in her current state? Now, could you kindly answer my initial question and tell me her name!
PRIEST
Her name, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Yes, who was she? I look at her face, and I feel like I know her, though her features are twisted and deformed from what I once knew.
PRIEST
Deformed? Why, she is the vision of beauty.
ANTI THE HERO
Vision of beauty? Look at the way her skin pulsates and moves with the waves of maggots under that thin veil! Trust me, she was carrying those long before her demise!
PRIEST
I will not have you speak ill of the dead! You can see she was the loveliest woman to ever live!
ANTI THE HERO
Smoke, mirrors, and a lot of makeup! You’ve made a harlot into a celebrity. When I knew her, she was something foul and ugly. Her dead eyes and blackened teeth are hidden by closed eyelids and dentures, but I would recognize that stench anywhere. Tell me that whore’s name!
PRIEST
Get out! Get out of my church!
ANTI THE HERO
Your church? I thought this was God’s house.
PRIEST
And I’m the steward while the Lord is away, and I say to get out of here now!
ANTI THE HERO
And I will not leave until you have told me her name!
PRIEST
I won’t!
ANTI THE HERO
Pitiable little Priest! Speak now! What was she called?
LAZARUS (Off Stage)
The Voice of Morality!
The church doors are thrown open and Mr. Lazarus, the Devil, enters. He is tall and thin, and is dressed in a fine suit. On his head is a top hat, and he walks with a cane in a fluid, flamboyant way. Mr. Lazarus, unless noted, is always smiling. He struts into the church, looking back and forth from the Priest to Anti the Hero, extending his arms in a broad, sweeping gesture to encompass both of them.
LAZARUS
Her name, my boy, was the Voice of Morality! She knew how you were supposed to live your life, which decision was right, and which was wrong. If you had any question, she could give you an answer. If you didn’t ask, she would try to give it to you anyway. She was constantly on the look-out for anything that may be offensive. She found it in me, in you, in that Priest over there, and in every single person in the entire world. In the end, she even found it in herself. That, my dear boy, was how she died! When she discovered herself to be unacceptable, she chewed out her own heart!
Her name, my boy, was the Voice of Morality! She knew how you were supposed to live your life, which decision was right, and which was wrong. If you had any question, she could give you an answer. If you didn’t ask, she would try to give it to you anyway. She was constantly on the look-out for anything that may be offensive. She found it in me, in you, in that Priest over there, and in every single person in the entire world. In the end, she even found it in herself. That, my dear boy, was how she died! When she discovered herself to be unacceptable, she chewed out her own heart!
He puts his arms around Anti the Hero’s shoulders and grins at the Priest.
ANTI THE HERO
It’s been a long time since I heard such a touching eulogy.
It’s been a long time since I heard such a touching eulogy.
The Devil hands his cane to Anti the Hero. Anti the Hero looks at it for a moment, puzzled, and lays it gently on the pew.
PRIEST
Lazarus! You rotten devil! I want you out of my church this minute!
LAZARUS
I’m sorry, lad, but I’ve put a lot more money into this church than you have. I’d care you watch your tongue while referring to who holds the deed to this place.
PRIEST
How could you come in here, to the house of your Lord and mine, wearing those blasphemous pins on your wolf-skin jacket! Isn’t it enough that the top proclaims “Jesus was a man?” No, you have to follow it with a second pin saying, “Men lie!” How disgusting.
LAZARUS
Let’s not forget, I’ve met the guy, and believe me, he’s not all he’s cracked up to be.
PRIEST
OUT!
LAZARUS
Please, we’ve already gone through this. You couldn’t kick me out of here if you tried. Besides, I’m on the guest list.
PRIEST
Guest list?
Lazarus! You rotten devil! I want you out of my church this minute!
LAZARUS
I’m sorry, lad, but I’ve put a lot more money into this church than you have. I’d care you watch your tongue while referring to who holds the deed to this place.
PRIEST
How could you come in here, to the house of your Lord and mine, wearing those blasphemous pins on your wolf-skin jacket! Isn’t it enough that the top proclaims “Jesus was a man?” No, you have to follow it with a second pin saying, “Men lie!” How disgusting.
LAZARUS
Let’s not forget, I’ve met the guy, and believe me, he’s not all he’s cracked up to be.
PRIEST
OUT!
LAZARUS
Please, we’ve already gone through this. You couldn’t kick me out of here if you tried. Besides, I’m on the guest list.
PRIEST
Guest list?
As the Devil speaks, he stands up and begins to slink toward the coffin, stripping the black leather gloves off his hand.
LAZARUS
Oh, yes, this fine young lady and myself were quite close friends.
PRIEST
Close friends?
Oh, yes, this fine young lady and myself were quite close friends.
PRIEST
Close friends?
The Devil reaches the coffin and bends over it, reaching in and gently stroking her face with his fingertips.
LAZARUS
Oh yes, very close. Where do you think most of her answers came from? Whenever she was in a quandary, it was my advice she came looking for.
ANTI THE HERO
See! If the Voice of Morality can seek answers from the Devil, why can’t I?
PRIEST
Be quiet, boy, the adults are talking!
LAZARUS
Harumph! Find me one adult in this conversation, and I have a bridge over some waterfront property I’d like to sell you.
ANTI THE HERO
I’m going to agree with Mr. Lazarus on this one.
PRIEST
What is wrong with you people?
Oh yes, very close. Where do you think most of her answers came from? Whenever she was in a quandary, it was my advice she came looking for.
ANTI THE HERO
See! If the Voice of Morality can seek answers from the Devil, why can’t I?
PRIEST
Be quiet, boy, the adults are talking!
LAZARUS
Harumph! Find me one adult in this conversation, and I have a bridge over some waterfront property I’d like to sell you.
ANTI THE HERO
I’m going to agree with Mr. Lazarus on this one.
PRIEST
What is wrong with you people?
The Priest turns and stomps to the casket. He kneels down beside it and starts to pray. We can hear his words, but they are mumbled and indistinct, and we can’t understand. The Devil looks down at his wrist as if he were wearing a watch. He strolls over to Anti the Hero and puts his arm around his shoulder.
LAZARUS
Okay, boy, I see you are my noon appointment.
ANTI THE HERO
Midnight.
LAZARUS
What?
ANTI THE HERO
Midnight appointment, sir.
Okay, boy, I see you are my noon appointment.
ANTI THE HERO
Midnight.
LAZARUS
What?
ANTI THE HERO
Midnight appointment, sir.
The Devil looks puzzled, and pulls a book from his jacket pocket. He opens it, looks it over, and nods.
LAZARUS
Yes... It appears you are right. You are my midnight appointment. Aren’t you a bit early, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, right on time.
LAZARUS
Hmm... I wonder what happened to my noon appointment. I hope his questions weren’t all that important. Oh, I’m so scatterbrained these days. I’m getting up there in my years. I’m the second sentient being in the entire Universe, you know? I was born before there was even time. Do you know how many years ago that was?
ANTI THE HERO
Fifty?
LAZARUS
I was thinking closer to ten. Anyway, it’s terribly hard on the body. My back is a disaster and I can hardly see anymore. It’s so much work to keep my hair perfect. Some of these days, I don’t want to even get out of bed. So I will be taking your leave now, lad. It’s been good talking to you.
ANTI THE HERO
Wait!
LAZARUS
What?
ANTI THE HERO
You can’t leave yet, you just got here. I’m paying for this!
LAZARUS
In more ways than you know.
Yes... It appears you are right. You are my midnight appointment. Aren’t you a bit early, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, right on time.
LAZARUS
Hmm... I wonder what happened to my noon appointment. I hope his questions weren’t all that important. Oh, I’m so scatterbrained these days. I’m getting up there in my years. I’m the second sentient being in the entire Universe, you know? I was born before there was even time. Do you know how many years ago that was?
ANTI THE HERO
Fifty?
LAZARUS
I was thinking closer to ten. Anyway, it’s terribly hard on the body. My back is a disaster and I can hardly see anymore. It’s so much work to keep my hair perfect. Some of these days, I don’t want to even get out of bed. So I will be taking your leave now, lad. It’s been good talking to you.
ANTI THE HERO
Wait!
LAZARUS
What?
ANTI THE HERO
You can’t leave yet, you just got here. I’m paying for this!
LAZARUS
In more ways than you know.
Lazarus sits down on one of the pews and drapes an arm over his forehead.
LAZARUS
Fine! Fine, I’ll stay and indulge your questions. Make it snappy though, I have a funeral I have to get to. She was a very dear friend.
ANTI THE HERO
But you are at the funeral.
LAZARUS
For her? I think not! Look at all this makeup! I’ve never seen this woman in my life!
ANTI THE HERO
I think more people saw her with this face. Not many saw her in the same light we did.
LAZARUS
True... True, it’s just so vastly different, I hardly know who she even is.
Fine! Fine, I’ll stay and indulge your questions. Make it snappy though, I have a funeral I have to get to. She was a very dear friend.
ANTI THE HERO
But you are at the funeral.
LAZARUS
For her? I think not! Look at all this makeup! I’ve never seen this woman in my life!
ANTI THE HERO
I think more people saw her with this face. Not many saw her in the same light we did.
LAZARUS
True... True, it’s just so vastly different, I hardly know who she even is.
The Devil looks over at Anti the Hero, puzzled for a moment, as if he has lost his train of thought. He studies the features of Anti the Hero’s face for several seconds, pursing his lips. Finally, he raises an eyebrow.
Now... Come to think of it, what was your name again?
Anti the Hero extends his hand to shake.
ANTI THE HERO
My name is Anti the Hero, sir.
My name is Anti the Hero, sir.
Lazarus jumps to his feet, swoops in and examines Anti the Hero’s hands without touching.
LAZARUS
Very fine lines you have there. Those appear to be the hands of a working man, are they not? What is your profession, boy? I see you as a farm hand, or a dock worker. Am I correct?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, a writer.
Very fine lines you have there. Those appear to be the hands of a working man, are they not? What is your profession, boy? I see you as a farm hand, or a dock worker. Am I correct?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, a writer.
Lazarus sighs.
LAZARUS
That’s what I figured. (Beat) I can see this is going to be a long session. I’ll get something from the concession stand. What would you like? Candy? Popcorn? A beer? You look like a beer man.
That’s what I figured. (Beat) I can see this is going to be a long session. I’ll get something from the concession stand. What would you like? Candy? Popcorn? A beer? You look like a beer man.
Before Anti the Hero can respond, the Devil jumps up and prances off-stage. Anti the Hero sits down on the left-hand pew, looks down at it with disdain, stands up and goes to the right pew. The church doors are opened and slammed by a tall man in a suit. He is the Great World Leader. He stands tall and proud, but the fly of his pants is open, and a rat is protruding from it. He strides proudly and confidently up to where Anti the Hero is sitting and stamps his foot, as if to get attention.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
I demand to see the Priest!
I demand to see the Priest!
The Great World Leader stares up over the audience. Anti the Hero looks back and forth from the Great World Leader to the Priest. The Priest still isn’t noticing, and neither is the Great World Leader. Finally, after a long silence, the Great World Leader looks at Anti the Hero, then at the Priest, then at Anti the Hero.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Well... Looks like he may be a bit busy for me right now.
Well... Looks like he may be a bit busy for me right now.
The Priest sits down on the edge of the dais and sighs
loudly.
GREAT WORLD LEADER(cont)
Well, in that case, I demand to see the Devil!
Well, in that case, I demand to see the Devil!
Again, he arrogantly looks out over the audience, this time, tapping his foot impatiently. Another long silence ensues, and he looks down at Anti the Hero, then around the church, and then back at Anti the Hero.
Well, it appears he isn’t here... You, boy, you’ll have to do. What’s your name, son?
ANTI THE HERO
Anti the Hero, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Very good, then.
ANTI THE HERO
And what can I do for you, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Confessional, boy. I’m here for confessional.
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t think I’m qualified...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Nonsense!
Anti the Hero, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Very good, then.
ANTI THE HERO
And what can I do for you, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Confessional, boy. I’m here for confessional.
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t think I’m qualified...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Nonsense!
The Great World Leader produces a wad of bills from his pocket and hands it to Anti the Hero.
ANTI THE HERO
Well, I guess I could...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
I thought you might see it my way.
ANTI THE HERO
Well then, what is it you have to con...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
LSD!
ANTI THE HERO
LSD, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Acid, my boy. Hallucinogenics, LSD! I’ve taken it!
ANTI THE HERO
Taken it?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
As a matter of fact, I have. Coursing through my brain right now, as a matter of fact. Makes me see the most beautiful and horrible of things. You should try it some day.
ANTI THE HERO
The acid, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Horrible stuff! Destroys the mind and the body, not to mention the spirit! I would never touch it, myself, and I damn anyone to Hell that would, as a matter of fact!
ANTI THE HERO
But you just said...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Said I wanted to confess my ills against God, why are you bringing drugs into the conversation?
ANTI THE HERO
Then what are you here to confess?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
HIV!
ANTI THE HERO
HIV?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Human Immunodeficiency Virus, the precursor to AIDS... You know, the gay-plague.
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t get it.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
And hope you never do! I have it, and it’s dreadful, as a matter of fact. I knew that French whore would be the death of me, and here I am, rotting from the inside. My wife will be so upset when she finds out what I’ve done. Horrible, this HIV! Oh, whatever will I do?
ANTI THE HERO
Die, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Yes, that is exactly what would happen if you got HIV, my boy. You would get AIDS and die. Safe sex is the only way. Always protect yourself, that’s what I do. Consequently, my pipes are clean. No buxom young lady needs to worry about what she would catch from me!
ANTI THE HERO
But you just said...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Are you showing me disrespect, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
No, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
That’s good. I demand that respect be given where respect is earned, and I, my boy, have earned it! Are you aware that I am a full-fledged member of the NWO? Of course you don’t, we keep things like that super-secret! We control your world, and you don’t even know. That’s a funny thing, isn’t it, boy? Well, it would be funny, if it wasn’t so destructive to your life, but let’s not worry about that right now. It isn’t your place to know, is it?
Well, I guess I could...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
I thought you might see it my way.
ANTI THE HERO
Well then, what is it you have to con...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
LSD!
ANTI THE HERO
LSD, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Acid, my boy. Hallucinogenics, LSD! I’ve taken it!
ANTI THE HERO
Taken it?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
As a matter of fact, I have. Coursing through my brain right now, as a matter of fact. Makes me see the most beautiful and horrible of things. You should try it some day.
ANTI THE HERO
The acid, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Horrible stuff! Destroys the mind and the body, not to mention the spirit! I would never touch it, myself, and I damn anyone to Hell that would, as a matter of fact!
ANTI THE HERO
But you just said...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Said I wanted to confess my ills against God, why are you bringing drugs into the conversation?
ANTI THE HERO
Then what are you here to confess?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
HIV!
ANTI THE HERO
HIV?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Human Immunodeficiency Virus, the precursor to AIDS... You know, the gay-plague.
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t get it.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
And hope you never do! I have it, and it’s dreadful, as a matter of fact. I knew that French whore would be the death of me, and here I am, rotting from the inside. My wife will be so upset when she finds out what I’ve done. Horrible, this HIV! Oh, whatever will I do?
ANTI THE HERO
Die, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Yes, that is exactly what would happen if you got HIV, my boy. You would get AIDS and die. Safe sex is the only way. Always protect yourself, that’s what I do. Consequently, my pipes are clean. No buxom young lady needs to worry about what she would catch from me!
ANTI THE HERO
But you just said...
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Are you showing me disrespect, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
No, sir.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
That’s good. I demand that respect be given where respect is earned, and I, my boy, have earned it! Are you aware that I am a full-fledged member of the NWO? Of course you don’t, we keep things like that super-secret! We control your world, and you don’t even know. That’s a funny thing, isn’t it, boy? Well, it would be funny, if it wasn’t so destructive to your life, but let’s not worry about that right now. It isn’t your place to know, is it?
Anti the Hero stares blankly at him for several seconds then catches sight of the rat. He points at it.
ANTI THE HERO
What’s that, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
What’s what?
ANTI THE HERO
That there, in your pants.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Don’t you think that’s a rather inappropriate question to ask me here? Maybe if you wanted to meet me somewhere later, at uh... Some... Some undisclosed location, I could enlighten you to that subject.
ANTI THE HERO
No, sir, that there, hanging out of your pants.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Well, what does it look like? It’s a rat, boy. What did you think it was?
ANTI THE HERO
Why is it there?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
My aren’t we the inquisitive one? No time for questions now, though. I have important work to do. I do believe I heard there was a funeral this way.
ANTI THE HERO
For the Voice of Morality?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Ah, yes, Morality. I’m a pure and shining beacon of Morality, don’t you know? I, my lad, am incapable of wrong-doing. Do you want to know why? It’s because I fight against evil. If you are fighting evil, anything you do is justified. Keep that in mind. That makes it so even if I do the same thing they are doing, I’m just making a tragic error, while they are committing evil.
What’s that, sir?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
What’s what?
ANTI THE HERO
That there, in your pants.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Don’t you think that’s a rather inappropriate question to ask me here? Maybe if you wanted to meet me somewhere later, at uh... Some... Some undisclosed location, I could enlighten you to that subject.
ANTI THE HERO
No, sir, that there, hanging out of your pants.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Well, what does it look like? It’s a rat, boy. What did you think it was?
ANTI THE HERO
Why is it there?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
My aren’t we the inquisitive one? No time for questions now, though. I have important work to do. I do believe I heard there was a funeral this way.
ANTI THE HERO
For the Voice of Morality?
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Ah, yes, Morality. I’m a pure and shining beacon of Morality, don’t you know? I, my lad, am incapable of wrong-doing. Do you want to know why? It’s because I fight against evil. If you are fighting evil, anything you do is justified. Keep that in mind. That makes it so even if I do the same thing they are doing, I’m just making a tragic error, while they are committing evil.
Anti the Hero is unimpressed.
ANTI THE HERO
Her corpse is in that casket there, festering, moldering, cold as ice.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Cold as ice, but warm to my advances.
Her corpse is in that casket there, festering, moldering, cold as ice.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Cold as ice, but warm to my advances.
He looks at her in the casket. He moans and smiles lustfully.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Oh, look at her there, friend. The very face of beauty, wouldn’t you agree?
ANTI THE HERO
I preferred her other face. It wasn’t so comely, but it was at least honest.
Oh, look at her there, friend. The very face of beauty, wouldn’t you agree?
ANTI THE HERO
I preferred her other face. It wasn’t so comely, but it was at least honest.
The Great World Leader looks over his shoulder.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
Honesty, lad? Honesty? You just try and fit that concept into today’s world.
Honesty, lad? Honesty? You just try and fit that concept into today’s world.
He looks back at the corpse and smiles wolfishly.
And I dare say it’s God’s Honest Truth that this lass is more... Uh... How shall you say... Comely now, wouldn’t you agree?
ANTI THE HERO
I think I missed your point.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
But never miss the innuendo, lad. It’s what keeps us going, keeps us one with the animals and other lower vertebrates.
I think I missed your point.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
But never miss the innuendo, lad. It’s what keeps us going, keeps us one with the animals and other lower vertebrates.
He runs his finger over the corpse’s ghostly pale face. He looks suggestively at Anti the Hero and smiles excitedly.
She’s as responsive as ever. Have you already looked to see if she is wearing anything under this dress?
The Great World Leader starts to pull up her skirt.
Tell me boy, has she been trimmed?
The Priest jumps up.
PRIEST
Sir, I think this is uncalled for.
Sir, I think this is uncalled for.
The Great World Leader is shocked.
GREAT WORLD LEADER
I’m sorry, did I miss a payment?
PRIEST
Yes, sir, we are two months late with your rent.
I’m sorry, did I miss a payment?
PRIEST
Yes, sir, we are two months late with your rent.
The Great World Leader nods thoughtfully. He pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket, counts out THREE BILLS and presses them into the Priest’s palm. The Priest looks at them, smiles, and shoves them in the pockets of his robes.
Very good, sir. All the actions of your nation will be blessed.
The Great World Leader nods contentedly and leaves the church. The Devil returns with two boxes of popcorn and sits down next to Anti the Hero. He hands a box of popcorn to Anti the Hero.
LAZARUS
Did I miss anything good?
ANTI THE HERO
You wouldn’t miss a thing like that here.
LAZARUS
Very good. Now... Where were we? Ah, yes, do you have any idea who I am?
ANTI THE HERO
Of course, you are Mr. Lazarus, sir.
LAZARUS
I have a thousand names in a thousand languages...
Did I miss anything good?
ANTI THE HERO
You wouldn’t miss a thing like that here.
LAZARUS
Very good. Now... Where were we? Ah, yes, do you have any idea who I am?
ANTI THE HERO
Of course, you are Mr. Lazarus, sir.
LAZARUS
I have a thousand names in a thousand languages...
He puts his hand to his chin and thinks it over.
LAZARUS (cont)
...But yes, yes, Mr. Lazarus will do for now.
...But yes, yes, Mr. Lazarus will do for now.
He sits back down on the pew.
LAZARUS
So what brings you here to me.
ANTI THE HERO
Well, sir, all my life, I’ve been looking for something to bring it all together, but everywhere I look, I find nothing but shadows and dark alleys.
LAZARUS
And you’re coming to me to find some light in that darkness?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, you called me. I came home and found your number on my answering machine.
LAZARUS
Sounds like some kind of telemarketing scam. Are you sure it’s sound?
ANTI THE HERO
All my life, I’ve been told you deliver one kind of answer. Even if it’s the wrong answer, it’s still consistent. None else can offer the same thing.
LAZARUS
That’s right. In this day and age, people want consistency. You can’t keep customers if you give them something different every time. You know, I guess it all makes sense. Back, a long time ago, before I moved out of my Dad’s house, I had a part-time job as a Roman sun-god. I brought the Sun to the Earth every morning. Do you know how much responsibility that is, getting it here on time every day? It certainly got me prepared to be in this business.
ANTI THE HERO
And what do you know of business?
LAZARUS
Why, boy, I’m the greatest businessman in the entire world! I could buy ice from an Eskimo and sell it back at a tidy profit. Believe me, it’s a lot harder to do that than to wheel and deal in simple human souls. Now that gets boring after a while.
ANTI THE HERO
Isn’t that your whole purpose?
LAZARUS
My boy, even sex can get boring if you do it too much. Not that I’ve ever done that too much. Sometimes, I need a break from the same ‘ole, same ‘ole. Especially when that same ‘ole, same ‘ole is so easy. It doesn’t take much to buy a soul these days. God damn, I recently bought one for a fifty-dollar stereo.
ANTI THE HERO
Even the Devil has a lament.
LAZARUS
And I also have a temptation for God. (Beat) But anyway, boy, why are you here? (Beat) Ah yes, the meaning of life. That’s a pretty tall order, don’t you think?
ANTI THE HERO
I just think it would be a lot easier that way, knowing why I’m here, I could get a lot more work done... You know, be a better citizen.
LAZARUS
And isn’t that the dream of every young boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Most I’ve met aren’t even inclined to look.
LAZARUS
That sounds about right. (Beat) I’ve certainly found a lot of meaning in her over there. Mmm hmmm, I’ll tell you, boy, I found her attractive enough when she was alive, but just look at what they’ve made her into! Dear sweet mercy!
So what brings you here to me.
ANTI THE HERO
Well, sir, all my life, I’ve been looking for something to bring it all together, but everywhere I look, I find nothing but shadows and dark alleys.
LAZARUS
And you’re coming to me to find some light in that darkness?
ANTI THE HERO
No sir, you called me. I came home and found your number on my answering machine.
LAZARUS
Sounds like some kind of telemarketing scam. Are you sure it’s sound?
ANTI THE HERO
All my life, I’ve been told you deliver one kind of answer. Even if it’s the wrong answer, it’s still consistent. None else can offer the same thing.
LAZARUS
That’s right. In this day and age, people want consistency. You can’t keep customers if you give them something different every time. You know, I guess it all makes sense. Back, a long time ago, before I moved out of my Dad’s house, I had a part-time job as a Roman sun-god. I brought the Sun to the Earth every morning. Do you know how much responsibility that is, getting it here on time every day? It certainly got me prepared to be in this business.
ANTI THE HERO
And what do you know of business?
LAZARUS
Why, boy, I’m the greatest businessman in the entire world! I could buy ice from an Eskimo and sell it back at a tidy profit. Believe me, it’s a lot harder to do that than to wheel and deal in simple human souls. Now that gets boring after a while.
ANTI THE HERO
Isn’t that your whole purpose?
LAZARUS
My boy, even sex can get boring if you do it too much. Not that I’ve ever done that too much. Sometimes, I need a break from the same ‘ole, same ‘ole. Especially when that same ‘ole, same ‘ole is so easy. It doesn’t take much to buy a soul these days. God damn, I recently bought one for a fifty-dollar stereo.
ANTI THE HERO
Even the Devil has a lament.
LAZARUS
And I also have a temptation for God. (Beat) But anyway, boy, why are you here? (Beat) Ah yes, the meaning of life. That’s a pretty tall order, don’t you think?
ANTI THE HERO
I just think it would be a lot easier that way, knowing why I’m here, I could get a lot more work done... You know, be a better citizen.
LAZARUS
And isn’t that the dream of every young boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Most I’ve met aren’t even inclined to look.
LAZARUS
That sounds about right. (Beat) I’ve certainly found a lot of meaning in her over there. Mmm hmmm, I’ll tell you, boy, I found her attractive enough when she was alive, but just look at what they’ve made her into! Dear sweet mercy!
He gets up and stalks toward the casket lustfully. He reaches the coffin and extends his fingers gently toward the Voice of Morality’s face.
LAZARUS
So tell me, boy, how did you know this fine young lady?
ANTI THE HERO
I was in the dead of night on a moonlit glade. I had begun to think my life had no meaning, and I was crying into the still, silver waters of a mountain lake...
So tell me, boy, how did you know this fine young lady?
ANTI THE HERO
I was in the dead of night on a moonlit glade. I had begun to think my life had no meaning, and I was crying into the still, silver waters of a mountain lake...
The Devil yawns.
LAZARUS
Couldn’t you come up with a less cliche backdrop for this flashback? It’s a tad unbelievable.
ANTI THE HERO
I swear to you, sir, this is how it happened.
LAZARUS
Whatever, whatever, were you going to finish your story?
ANTI THE HERO
I was crying into the water, and I saw her reflection over my shoulder. She wore her hair straight and black then, and all of her clothing was made of black leather.
LAZARUS
That would be the face I remember best.
ANTI THE HERO
She said she could bring guidance to my life. She told me she could show me true meaning, I just had to live life as she dictated.
LAZARUS
And you did?
ANTI THE HERO
I did. I lived and fought everything by her rules. I spit out her doctrine and never once questioned. What she told me made so much sense that there was no need to look beyond her words.
LAZARUS
And what made your relationship turn sour?
ANTI THE HERO
I accidentally thought about the things I was saying. When I started thinking, I started questioning. At first, all internally, then externally, and finally, I made the mistake of questioning her. We stayed together for a little while after that, but from the point where she didn’t always get her way, that spelled our doom.
LAZARUS
Just like a woman.
ANTI THE HERO
I began to think about both sides of the issue, ours, and our hated enemies.
LAZARUS
And she didn’t like this?
ANTI THE HERO
She said that if I think like the opposition, then I am the opposition.
LAZARUS
I believe that might be the first side of every argument.
ANTI THE HERO
We drifted apart and split on bad terms. The whole event left a bad taste in my mouth. The other day, I read in the paper that she had died, and it was the very same day I received your message.
LAZARUS
Synchronicity, my boy, synchronicity. (Beat) Boy, do you think you could give me a few minutes alone with this fine lady? I’d like to plant one final kiss on her rosy red lips and see if I can make her shiver one last time. You know what Hamlet said, “That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.”
Couldn’t you come up with a less cliche backdrop for this flashback? It’s a tad unbelievable.
ANTI THE HERO
I swear to you, sir, this is how it happened.
LAZARUS
Whatever, whatever, were you going to finish your story?
ANTI THE HERO
I was crying into the water, and I saw her reflection over my shoulder. She wore her hair straight and black then, and all of her clothing was made of black leather.
LAZARUS
That would be the face I remember best.
ANTI THE HERO
She said she could bring guidance to my life. She told me she could show me true meaning, I just had to live life as she dictated.
LAZARUS
And you did?
ANTI THE HERO
I did. I lived and fought everything by her rules. I spit out her doctrine and never once questioned. What she told me made so much sense that there was no need to look beyond her words.
LAZARUS
And what made your relationship turn sour?
ANTI THE HERO
I accidentally thought about the things I was saying. When I started thinking, I started questioning. At first, all internally, then externally, and finally, I made the mistake of questioning her. We stayed together for a little while after that, but from the point where she didn’t always get her way, that spelled our doom.
LAZARUS
Just like a woman.
ANTI THE HERO
I began to think about both sides of the issue, ours, and our hated enemies.
LAZARUS
And she didn’t like this?
ANTI THE HERO
She said that if I think like the opposition, then I am the opposition.
LAZARUS
I believe that might be the first side of every argument.
ANTI THE HERO
We drifted apart and split on bad terms. The whole event left a bad taste in my mouth. The other day, I read in the paper that she had died, and it was the very same day I received your message.
LAZARUS
Synchronicity, my boy, synchronicity. (Beat) Boy, do you think you could give me a few minutes alone with this fine lady? I’d like to plant one final kiss on her rosy red lips and see if I can make her shiver one last time. You know what Hamlet said, “That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.”
The Priest turns to Lazarus, infuriated. He runs at the Devil, wagging his finger, while Lazarus backs away, mocking fear.
PRIEST
Lazarus! That’s quite enough, do you hear me? I will not have such talk in my church! You have defamed the dead long enough! I won’t stand for this another moment! Out! Out, I tell you!
Lazarus! That’s quite enough, do you hear me? I will not have such talk in my church! You have defamed the dead long enough! I won’t stand for this another moment! Out! Out, I tell you!
They reach the wall, and the Devil presses himself against it, his hands in the air. The Priest continues to hold the pose several seconds after he has stopped yelling. Finally, the Priest regains his composure, shakes out his robes and gives the Devil an infuriated, but victorious, “Harrumph.” The Priest turns to Anti the Hero and advances slowly, seeming to become softer.
Boy... How can you listen to the filth and pornography that spills out of his hateful mouth? This thing does not wish to tell you the meaning of life, he wants to put you in his pocket. You are just one more statistic to him. Don’t listen, boy, I beg of you. Tell him your meeting is over. Tell him you don’t want to hear his vile speech anymore. Tell him to leave, because I can’t!
ANTI THE HERO
I’m afraid I won’t. I’d much rather hear his side of the story now.
PRIEST
But every word he says is intended to sway you to his way of life.
ANTI THE HERO
And yours aren’t?
PRIEST
Boy, are you trying to say there is no hope for you?
ANTI THE HERO
No, I’m trying to determine if there’s any hope left for you.
PRIEST
Are you questioning the word of God, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Quite the opposite.
PRIEST
Blasphemy!
ANTI THE HERO
Quoth the raven!
ANTI THE HERO
I’m afraid I won’t. I’d much rather hear his side of the story now.
PRIEST
But every word he says is intended to sway you to his way of life.
ANTI THE HERO
And yours aren’t?
PRIEST
Boy, are you trying to say there is no hope for you?
ANTI THE HERO
No, I’m trying to determine if there’s any hope left for you.
PRIEST
Are you questioning the word of God, boy?
ANTI THE HERO
Quite the opposite.
PRIEST
Blasphemy!
ANTI THE HERO
Quoth the raven!
Lazarus straightens his suit and smiles broadly.
LAZARUS
Seems like the boy is fairly set in his beliefs.
PRIEST
We have ways of changing that, don’t worry.
LAZARUS
You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.
PRIEST
And you shouldn’t speak.
LAZARUS
Ahh... But I do! I whisper sweet nothings in every ear in every country around the world, and they all come running to me, some never even questioning what the price may be. You hate that, don’t you. You can’t stand to admit that so few of them would wait for the ultimate satisfaction you offer, they would rather come have a quick fix with me. They would come running to me for a handful of candy.
PRIEST
Sweet nothings indeed.
LAZARUS
You’re jealous, my boy, aren’t you? Your big man up in the sky has always had... Shall we say... “Self esteem issues.” He always wanted to be the popular kid, and didn’t care what he had to do to get it. Me, well, the kids on the playground just all loved me! There was nothing I could do about it, I’m just more fun to be around. There’s a party in my pants, and everyone’s invited!
PRIEST
You’re one to talk about jealousy.
LAZARUS
And you’re one to talk about fashion sense! What’s with the robes, pops? Didn’t your mother dress you this morning? Come on, take a little pride in your appearance!
PRIEST
And now you talk about pride!
LAZARUS
Get off the high horse, pops, I’ve been in your pants since you were just a wee lad.
The Devil shakes his head and starts to circle the Priest.
You’ve always had those same issues, haven’t you? Always wanted Him to like you, unable to live with the thought you might fall out of His favor. You’re so caught up with your idea of what he wants that you can’t even hear what he says. He still talks to me, you know. We’re like brothers. I could tell you what he thinks of you, but I don’t think you’d like it much.
PRIEST
It would be a filthy lie.
LAZARUS
Would it?
PRIEST
Yes, definitely.
It would be a filthy lie.
LAZARUS
Would it?
PRIEST
Yes, definitely.
Anti the Hero is growing impatient.
ANTI THE HERO
Uh... Excuse me...
PRIEST and LAZARUS
WHAT?
ANTI THE HERO
Are you quite done? You may remember, this is a meeting for me.
LAZARUS
Sorry, boy, this is the way most of our meetings go.
PRIEST
Maybe if you were a little more accommodating.
LAZARUS
Look who is talking about accommodating...
ANTI THE HERO
Stop! (Beat) I’m sorry, good Priest, but it was Mr. Lazarus I came to see, not you. I’ve heard your side of the argument again and again. This time, I want to hear what the opposition has to say.
LAZARUS
And I will SHOUT back!
ANTI THE HERO
Please, you’re behaving like a child.
LAZARUS
My boy, when you get to be my age, you will agree that there is no other way to behave! Everyone tells me to act my age! Ha! Even NASA hasn’t been able to calculate that yet! If I were to act my age, boy, I’d never have any fun! I’m a trend-setter, a mover, and a shaker all at once. I’m seen at all the right parties, know all the right people, and always make the best business investments. Why should I act like an adult while life is so much fun?
PRIEST
This is where his speech gets to be the most dangerous. Don’t listen, boy, don’t listen!
ANTI THE HERO
Shhh!
LAZARUS
Live, boy, live! Don’t let them take that away! These vampires have let their lives fade so much that it physically pains them to see you have any of your own. All you have is what you’ve got, and every one of them wants to take it away from you.
PRIEST
Silence! Silence!
LAZARUS
Doesn’t it get boring requesting the same thing of me all the time? Don’t you get it? People want to hear what I have to say. You keep telling me to shut up, but they just keep asking to hear more.
PRIEST
It’s the language of snakes! You slither into their hearts and minds and seduce them with the pleasures of the body!
LAZARUS
And what other pleasures will they ever be able to experience in this life?
PRIEST
It’s not about the pleasures of this world!
LAZARUS
Well, if that ain’t a fail-safe, I don’t know what is.
PRIEST
Don’t question! That thread will unravel the entire sweater!
LAZARUS
Suffer, and suffer, and suffer until you reach that point none of us can rationally dispute.
PRIEST
I can argue it rationally.
LAZARUS
And I can argue that time doesn’t exist. I guess that makes fools out of both of us.
PRIEST
And a lurking, mongrel dog out of you!
LAZARUS
Would that in turn, make you an ass?
PRIEST
LIES!
Uh... Excuse me...
PRIEST and LAZARUS
WHAT?
ANTI THE HERO
Are you quite done? You may remember, this is a meeting for me.
LAZARUS
Sorry, boy, this is the way most of our meetings go.
PRIEST
Maybe if you were a little more accommodating.
LAZARUS
Look who is talking about accommodating...
ANTI THE HERO
Stop! (Beat) I’m sorry, good Priest, but it was Mr. Lazarus I came to see, not you. I’ve heard your side of the argument again and again. This time, I want to hear what the opposition has to say.
LAZARUS
And I will SHOUT back!
ANTI THE HERO
Please, you’re behaving like a child.
LAZARUS
My boy, when you get to be my age, you will agree that there is no other way to behave! Everyone tells me to act my age! Ha! Even NASA hasn’t been able to calculate that yet! If I were to act my age, boy, I’d never have any fun! I’m a trend-setter, a mover, and a shaker all at once. I’m seen at all the right parties, know all the right people, and always make the best business investments. Why should I act like an adult while life is so much fun?
PRIEST
This is where his speech gets to be the most dangerous. Don’t listen, boy, don’t listen!
ANTI THE HERO
Shhh!
LAZARUS
Live, boy, live! Don’t let them take that away! These vampires have let their lives fade so much that it physically pains them to see you have any of your own. All you have is what you’ve got, and every one of them wants to take it away from you.
PRIEST
Silence! Silence!
LAZARUS
Doesn’t it get boring requesting the same thing of me all the time? Don’t you get it? People want to hear what I have to say. You keep telling me to shut up, but they just keep asking to hear more.
PRIEST
It’s the language of snakes! You slither into their hearts and minds and seduce them with the pleasures of the body!
LAZARUS
And what other pleasures will they ever be able to experience in this life?
PRIEST
It’s not about the pleasures of this world!
LAZARUS
Well, if that ain’t a fail-safe, I don’t know what is.
PRIEST
Don’t question! That thread will unravel the entire sweater!
LAZARUS
Suffer, and suffer, and suffer until you reach that point none of us can rationally dispute.
PRIEST
I can argue it rationally.
LAZARUS
And I can argue that time doesn’t exist. I guess that makes fools out of both of us.
PRIEST
And a lurking, mongrel dog out of you!
LAZARUS
Would that in turn, make you an ass?
PRIEST
LIES!
The Priest puts his hand to his chest. His breath is weak.
I command you to be silent!
The Devil looks over his shoulder at Anti the Hero.
LAZARUS
Hear that? He commands me.
Hear that? He commands me.
Anti the Hero is shocked with the proceedings.
ANTI THE HERO
Stop! You’re killing him!
LAZARUS
I could argue the same about me.
PRIEST
Out! Out! Lazarus! Satan, get thee behind me!
Stop! You’re killing him!
LAZARUS
I could argue the same about me.
PRIEST
Out! Out! Lazarus! Satan, get thee behind me!
The Devil gives a coy look.
LAZARUS
And now that fresh young man is propositioning me!
And now that fresh young man is propositioning me!
The Priest falls to his knees, his hands clawing at his throat. He tries to mouth words, but all that comes out is scratchy coughs and gasps. He turns to Anti the Hero, pleading in his eyes. Anti the Hero takes a step toward him, but the Devil extends his arm and stops Anti the Hero.
Hold up, boy, it will pass. It always does.
ANTI THE HERO
You’ve seen him do this before?
ANTI THE HERO
You’ve seen him do this before?
The Devil shrugs.
LAZARUS
Well... Not him, per se, but I’ve seen others in similar predicaments.
Well... Not him, per se, but I’ve seen others in similar predicaments.
The Priest falls flat on his face, thrashes about momentarily, coughs a few times, and then goes still. The two of them stare at his corpse for several seconds.
Well, look at that, he talked himself to death. I knew it would happen eventually.
ANTI THE HERO
It seems odd hearing you talk of such things.
LAZARUS
Oh, it’s like any drug, boy. You have to pace yourself. And know your limits.
ANTI THE HERO
It seems odd hearing you talk of such things.
LAZARUS
Oh, it’s like any drug, boy. You have to pace yourself. And know your limits.
He walks over to the corpse and stands over it, scratching his chin and scowling.
It appears we now have a funeral for two.
A moment passes, he regains his composure, adjusts his clothes and the smile returns to his face. He pulls the calender out of his pocket, opens it, and reads over a page.
Ah, yes, that appears to be all the time I have for this meeting. I’ll be taking my leave of you now, Mr. Hero.
ANTI THE HERO
Wait!
LAZARUS
What now, boy? You can’t expect me to sit around here waiting all day, can you? I’m a very busy Seraph.
ANTI THE HERO
Of course, of course, but...
LAZARUS
But what, son? Speak lively.
ANTI THE HERO
You didn’t answer my question!
LAZARUS
And what was your question, boy? How does anyone expect me to remember what they asked me? Do you know that I get asked more favors than Jesus, boy? More favors, and I pull through every time. Do you think He does that? Not on your soul!
ANTI THE HERO
The question burning on my tongue this entire day! All I want to know is the meaning of life.
LAZARUS
The meaning of life?
ANTI THE HERO
YES!
LAZARUS
I’ve already answered that question. I’ve answered it every time you’ve asked. Haven’t you learned to read between the lines yet? Come on, boy, figure it out, we don’t want all these nice people thinking this has all been for naught. Work that little brain, boy, work it! Oil the gears!
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t know! I don’t know, I don’t know what you’ve been trying to tell me all this time!
ANTI THE HERO
Wait!
LAZARUS
What now, boy? You can’t expect me to sit around here waiting all day, can you? I’m a very busy Seraph.
ANTI THE HERO
Of course, of course, but...
LAZARUS
But what, son? Speak lively.
ANTI THE HERO
You didn’t answer my question!
LAZARUS
And what was your question, boy? How does anyone expect me to remember what they asked me? Do you know that I get asked more favors than Jesus, boy? More favors, and I pull through every time. Do you think He does that? Not on your soul!
ANTI THE HERO
The question burning on my tongue this entire day! All I want to know is the meaning of life.
LAZARUS
The meaning of life?
ANTI THE HERO
YES!
LAZARUS
I’ve already answered that question. I’ve answered it every time you’ve asked. Haven’t you learned to read between the lines yet? Come on, boy, figure it out, we don’t want all these nice people thinking this has all been for naught. Work that little brain, boy, work it! Oil the gears!
ANTI THE HERO
I don’t know! I don’t know, I don’t know what you’ve been trying to tell me all this time!
The Devil puts his hands on his hips and scowls playfully.
LAZARUS
Don’t tell me that this Priest... And... And that sweet lady have all died in vain, for you to not even figure out what has been happening. Remember, boy , you don’t have much, you should enjoy it while you can. Live it, boy, live it!
ANTI THE HERO
Is that the meaning of life there? That simple? Just to live it? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Don’t tell me that this Priest... And... And that sweet lady have all died in vain, for you to not even figure out what has been happening. Remember, boy , you don’t have much, you should enjoy it while you can. Live it, boy, live it!
ANTI THE HERO
Is that the meaning of life there? That simple? Just to live it? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
The Devil puts his hand to his breast and starts to strut around as he talks.
LAZARUS
Meaning? You look to me for meaning, boy? You look to me? Do you know who I am? I’m the scapegoat attacking Heaven with its horns! I exist here only because you made me! I’m a figment of your collective imaginations to make you fleshy protrusions feel good about yourselves.“It wasn’t my fault, the Devil made me do it!” Well, I didn’t make you do a damn thing. You did it, but can’t live with yourselves, so you try to pin the crime on me! You did it, but can’t live with your imperfections! You want to be like what I’ve told you God is supposed to be, what I’ve made God into.
Meaning? You look to me for meaning, boy? You look to me? Do you know who I am? I’m the scapegoat attacking Heaven with its horns! I exist here only because you made me! I’m a figment of your collective imaginations to make you fleshy protrusions feel good about yourselves.“It wasn’t my fault, the Devil made me do it!” Well, I didn’t make you do a damn thing. You did it, but can’t live with yourselves, so you try to pin the crime on me! You did it, but can’t live with your imperfections! You want to be like what I’ve told you God is supposed to be, what I’ve made God into.
Lazarus pauses to let the shock register on Anti the Hero’s face.
That’s right, you want to meet the Author of the Author of the Entire Universe? Interesting, how I’m also the Author of All Lies. At the same time, it’s not interesting in the least as he is the biggest lie you’ll ever see written on the books. First, you made me, then I made him. In a round about way, you created God, but I’m not about to let you have that kind of credit. He’s my invention and mine alone. That would be like the poet thanking his parents for all the beautiful poems they wrote. If it wasn’t for me, there wouldn’t be any God. You want to ask me what I think you should do? That would be like me asking God what my place was. Think for yourself, my little man. There is no meaning. This ball of rock is hurtling toward a star and it will collide with it somewhere down the line, many years from now. There won’t be much meaning left after that, will there? There is no meaning. Now, I must be going. A Devil’s work is never done, you know.
He tips his top-hat and holds out a piece of paper.
Here boy, take this.
ANTI THE HERO
What is it?
LAZARUS
It’s the bill for the popcorn.
ANTI THE HERO
You didn’t pay for it?
LAZARUS
Of course not, you don’t expect for me to pay it, do you, boy? I’m the Devil, of all things, not some lowly man! I’m the Great Rapscallion Himself, what are you?
ANTI THE HERO
I’m... I’m but a man.
LAZARUS
That’s right, boy, just a man, and when you made me, you insisted I was more important than you. If I’m more important, than I can’t be expected to pay for something like popcorn, can I?
ANTI THE HERO
Well... No.
LAZARUS
All right then, take this. You’ve held me up long enough with all this silliness. I must be going. Have a good day, Mr. Hero.
ANTI THE HERO
What is it?
LAZARUS
It’s the bill for the popcorn.
ANTI THE HERO
You didn’t pay for it?
LAZARUS
Of course not, you don’t expect for me to pay it, do you, boy? I’m the Devil, of all things, not some lowly man! I’m the Great Rapscallion Himself, what are you?
ANTI THE HERO
I’m... I’m but a man.
LAZARUS
That’s right, boy, just a man, and when you made me, you insisted I was more important than you. If I’m more important, than I can’t be expected to pay for something like popcorn, can I?
ANTI THE HERO
Well... No.
LAZARUS
All right then, take this. You’ve held me up long enough with all this silliness. I must be going. Have a good day, Mr. Hero.
The Devil skips out of the church, singing “Wonderful World.”
LAZARUS
“I see skies of blue...”
“I see skies of blue...”
Anti the Hero is left alone with the two corpses. He walks over to the Priest, kneels down beside him and feels his pulse.
ANTI THE HERO
Dead.
Dead.
Anti the Hero walks from the corpse of the Priest to the coffin of the Voice of Morality.
ANTI THE HERO
Look at you, laying there as if nothing has happened, laying there like you don’t have a care in the world, like you are waiting for something. I hope you aren’t looking to me for that final bit of wisdom.
Look at you, laying there as if nothing has happened, laying there like you don’t have a care in the world, like you are waiting for something. I hope you aren’t looking to me for that final bit of wisdom.
He stares at her fetid, rotten corpse for several seconds, then looks over the audience, as if he is seeing them for the first time. He stumbles from the coffin to the edge of the stage, falling down on his knees, extending his hands, pleading to them.
All the evidence has been presented, and you are left to be judge, jury, and executioners. I’m nothing but the stenographer. Would you rather I handed it to you on a silver platter with a little pink bow? I think not. As one poet said, “Vicarious existence is a fucking waste of time.” For me, like Mr. Lazarus said, there is no meaning. The lights will go down, the curtain will close, and this will all be for naught. Some of you will clap, some of you will cry, some of you will go on with your lives. For some, it will all be ashes in your mouths. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to pay this bill.
Anti the Hero exits. Lights go down.
End.
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