Next morning, I pull my car up alongside the curb down the street from my house and get out. I drop four quarters into the payphone and dial a number from my notebook, the very first bit of personal information I ever collected. I remember being so nervous that day, furiously scribbling his name, address, all his vital information, looking away from my notebook, trying to pretend I was writing something else, sweating like a frat boy trying to read, thinking any second, some manager would swoop down on me and walk me out the door.
The phone rings twice before it is answered. “Hello,” says a curt man’s voice.
“Can I talk to Peter, please?”
“Who is this?”
“I need to discuss some important business information with Peter, is he there?”
“You a telemarketer?”
“No sir, this is business related.”
“Who you calling from?”
“I need to know if this is Peter first.”
“Yeah, this is him.”
“Peter Seed?”
“Yeah.”
“Peter Seed, who resides at 45 New Berlin Dr., Dorchester, MA, 02124?”
“Yeah... Who is this?”
“Well sir, my name is Rubin. I called you from a company I worked for some months back, calling about a business matter I needed to discuss with you. Despite all my best efforts to remain polite and professional, you were a rude, arrogant prick, condescending, vulgar, and a downright pain in the ass to work with.”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“No sir, this is serious, and you may want to think about how serious it really is, my friend.”
“What the hell are you calling me about?”
“Personal gratification.”
“You little shit...”
“Mr. Seed, may I remind you that your Social Security Number is 555 12 6871?”
“What the fuck?”
“That’s right, sir. Now, I don’t remember the specific details of our conversation, but after the call, I wrote down all your vital statistics, and some notes saying what a rude person you were. Do you remember our call?”
He sounds more calm when he speaks again. “No... No, I don’t.”
“Of course not, you’re probably like that with everyone who calls, aren’t you?” I pause for effect. “No need to answer that question, it’s rhetorical. Do you know what rhetorical means, Mr. Seed? You know, I’m a free man, I’ve never been in jail.”
Again, he is forcing himself to be calm. “What... What does that have to do with anything?” I can feel the rage behind his words, pushing so hard that it’s about to explode.
“Were you aware that many calling services outsource their calling to prison labor? People already in jail have access to the same information that I just read off to you. Now, there isn’t a whole lot I can do with this, not because I don’t want to, because believe me, I would like to cause you some financial pain. Unfortunately for me, I wouldn’t know where to begin, so you’re safe from me. However, I’m sure you’ve picked a lot of fights with a lot of people, many of whom probably could make use of this information...” I pause a moment to help it sink in.. “You have no idea where I am. I’m only a few hours away from Dorchester. I could visit you, would you like that?”
“I would love that,” he snarls.
“Peter, I understand you aren’t a very bright guy. I’m sympathetic to that, don’t worry. I understand that being a person of low reasoning ability, you won’t be able to answer this very well, but I’ll try anyway. Can I ask you a question?” I pause for a second, and very calmly tack on, “Huh, dick?”
“Ask,” he hisses.
“Why would you be so stupid as to give a hard time to anyone who has access to your social security number?” I continue on very calmly. “That’s not very smart, is it, cocksucker? In my line of work, I come across quite a few instances of identity theft. It seems like you are setting yourself up for it. Why would you do that?”
“Look, I’m sorry for anything I said that offended you...”
“There is no need to apologize to me, dipshit. This is about you. You are putting yourself in danger, and I stepped in, saw you were an idiot, and decided to offer some help. Now, I have to go now, Petey, okay?”
“If you do anything, they will catch you...”
“I’m sure they will, that’s why I’m not going to do anything. I’m going to throw your information out my window as I drive down the highway. Of course, some convict might just pick it up, but I’m sure a lot of convicts have it already, so that wouldn’t be a big deal. You’re safe from me, Petey. I’m too much of a coward to do more than call you. Who knows who might not be such a coward though? Who knows? I just wanted to give you some heads up on your situation. Remember, be nicer in the future.” I hang up the phone.
No comments:
Post a Comment