“So,” Chloe says, sitting down at our customary lunch table. “I had a joy of a call today. If anyone was listening, I could pull ahead of you in the race to get fired.”
“What happened?” I ask.
“Is this the one I saw you take?” Kurt asks, and takes a bite of his cheeseburger.
“Yeah, that wonderful one,” she snarls.
“What happened?” I press.
“Hi, is Eleanor there?”
“Eleanor speaking.”
“Hi, ma’am, my name is Chloe, and I’m calling from your phone company, SpectraCom, and I’m showing a balance here of $35.29. Would you like to take care of that today over the phone by check or credit card?”
“You have a lot of nerve.”
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
“Calling here like I’m some lowly piece of garbage that doesn’t pay my bills. You fucking little bitch!”
“Ma’am, our records indicate that your are past due.”
“You fucking twat! Just because your company made the mistake of not sending me my bill, now some trailer trash little whore calls my house saying I’m delinquent on my bills.”
“Ma’am, I would appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of langua...”
“Whore! Whore! Whore! How about that?
“Ma’am, we send you your bill on a monthly basis, and none of yours has been returned. If you don’t receive your bills in a timely manner, it is your responsibility to notify us.”
“I don’t like your attitude! Let me speak to your supervisor! I’m going to get you fired! How are you going to support your ten kids then? Probably off my tax dollars, that’s how!”
“Ma’am, I hope you die.”
“Excuse me?”
“I hope you die and rot in hell.”
“I am going to get you fired now!”
“It would help if you remembered my name, wouldn’t it?’
“I remember.”
“Then what is it? Huh? Come on! You don’t remember, do you? Yeah, so die, you hag.”
“Wow,” I say, sipping my soda. “Not bad, did you take her address?”
“Of course," Chloe says. "She is going to get something in the mail.”
“God,” Kurt says around some french fries, or freedom fries, or America fries, or whatever they are called this week. “I was listening to her take that call, and I thought she had it muted when she said all that stuff, and I happen to glance over and see the mute button was up.”
I shake my head. “Outbound calls can’t be recorded, they would have to be listening to the call as it happened, and if they were, you would know about it already.” I take a bite of my steak-and-cheese sub and say, “They had to unleash this professionalism shit on the worst day of the week. I’ve had fight after fight all day. What is with people on Wednesdays?”
“This is worse than it usually is,” Chloe says. “It’s like all the customers were sent notification that we had to be really nice today, and that they should call in at their worst to put us to the test.”
“So,” I say with an emphatic sip of my soda. “I know how much we all talk about doing shit to the customers outside of work, but have either of you ever done it?”
“Not yet,” Chloe says. “I’m just going to wait until I break down and show up on their doorstep with an axe.”
“That’s the spirit,” I mumble. “I’d like to see some of these rat fuckers chopped into little pieces.” I take another small bite of my sub and say, “I finally did it though.”
“Did what?” Kurt asks.
I drop my sandwich and puff up my chest proudly, arm folded behind my back like some kind of dignitary. “My dear friends, I have decided to fight back. I’ve taken the next step, launched the next salvo in our war against the customers.” I pause exaggeratedly, waiting for the applause, looking away so I don’t have to meet the gaze of one of my adoring fans. After a moment, when I decide there will be no applause, I open my eyes and look back at Chloe and Kurt. They are blankly staring at me, no expressions, just an occasional blink.
When I assume a more humble position, Chloe asks, “What did you do?”
“I let Peter Seed of Dorchester Massachusetts know that it's a big mistake to harass the people who call him, because those people have access to a lot of information he doesn’t want them to have.” I pause, smirking, letting this information sink in on them. “He was pleased to know that I cared.”
“You’re kidding!” Kurt asks. “You actually did it? That’s amazing! Here I have been taking down all this information, figuring I’d never do anything but look at it, that I’d never really do anything, but here you are, calling them!”
I nod. “I think quite a few people are going to be getting porn sent to them very soon. All of those little magazine subscription reply cards have the “bill-me-later” option. Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war. They started this war, and it is your responsibility to finish it with me.” I look over my shoulder to see if Filth or Tommy Guilt are coming this way. “Doc Filth has a lot of porn magazines. I’m sure he can provide me with enough of those cards to fill the mailbox of every bad customer with ‘Anal Beauties,’ ‘Young Lust,’ ‘Big and Fuckable,’ and ‘Hot Gay Extravaganza.’”
"I see you have put a lot of thought into this,” Kurt says, finishing his cheeseburger. “‘Hot Gay Extravaganza?’” He smiles wickedly. "Jesus, Rubin, you're a sick fucker."
Go to Chapter 18
Go to Chapter 18
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