Part 58: The Previous Evening.
I laugh. “Tell him to come here. He can bring his trilobites. Why do I give a shit about a trilobite collector, anyway?” I got desperate with a few episodes of The Unnatural, and now every not job on the Net wants to tell his story of secret alien societies trying to conquer the planet. “If he says trilobites built an advanced society, tell him I’ve heard it,” I say, starting to rise.
Nepotism is shaking his head. “New Age chatrooms all over the Net are buzzing,” he says. “I spent all morning reading about this. I could have told you everything this morning, if we’d gone to breakfast.” Nepotism crosses his arms.
Mephis leans in. His teeth come together in an overacted, cartoon animal grin. “It doesn’t matter a fuckstain whatever some pagan savage priest used this thing for in some drug-addled orgy. Holding this artifact lets you write your own history. We only know Rameses the Great hacked the dicks off the 10,000 Hittites he slew by himself is because that’s what some archeologist thought it said on a wall in the middle of the goddamn desert.” He points a long, knobby finger at me. “The lucky winner can ascribe whatever whacked-out, fucked up backstory he wants, and the rest of the world has to accept it.”
“I only found descriptions of the artifact,” Nepotism says. “A couple blogs referenced a photo, but none had it.” He nods to Mephis. “Have you seen it?”
Mephis draws a notepad from his pocket like he practiced a thousand times. In pencil he draws a line, and two curved lines twisting around it.
“A caduceus?” Nepotism asks.
Mephis acknowledged, but continued without speaking, drawing circles for snake heads at the end of the lines. “Above the snakes is a bust of Hermes.”
“The Caduceus was his symbol for thousands of years, and came into our time as the symbol of the physician,” Nepotism says. He’s hooked. “The Greeks and Egyptians agreed Hermes and Thoth were the same entity.”
I screw up my lips. “This is stupid. Nep, I’m going home.” I rise again, but Mephis pushes me back down. “Mephis, if you ever touch me again, I will put a bullet between your eyes.”
Mephis grins. “I’d like to see you try.” I intend to respond.
“It’s cool,” Nepotism says. “What Mephis says is correct. We’re talking shifts in world religions.” His eyes bug and his entire body tenses to emphasize his final words. “It’s happening right in front of us.”
“You want to know what it’s being called on the Internet?” Mephis asks.
“The biggest mistake of Dr. Filth’s life,” I say, finishing my pint glass and pouring another. The pitcher is almost gone. It’s my turn to buy. Why isn’t my food here yet?
Tyr says, “They’re calling it ‘the Alarm Clock at the End of the World.”
I look up, eyes wide.
“That’s hot,” Nepotism says proudly. He looks from me to Mephis.
“It will wake some global consciousness to unite mankind in peace and unity,” Mephis says, waving his arms around.
“That’s ridiculous.” I calm myself.
“I didn’t come up with it,” Tyr says defensively. “That’s how Mr. Solomon wants it to be known.”
“I’m in,” Nepotism says, slamming his hand down the table hard enough, to send our glasses wobbling around and spilling.
“Watch the fuck out!” I cry, diving out of the beer streams that cascade over the table’s edge and pool on the bench beside me. I squeegee the expanding pool away with my laminated menu. "We’re cryptozoologists, not conspiracy theorists. What do we want with this Alarm Clock? Where the fuck is my food?” I crane my neck to see the bar.
“You’re superheros,” Mephis says.
“That has never been confirmed,” says Nepotism.
Mephis speaks grave and close. “If you help me steal this artifact, you will be preventing one of the greatest disasters our society has ever faced.”
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