Do You Wanna Get Rocked?

Part 1

I used to book concerts for Def Leppard in my living room. They took place after school, and had very few in attendance. Almost exclusively dogs and the occasional cat. The band never showed, but I made sure everyone got their money’s worth. I put a tape in the boom box, and did the album myself, Milli Vanilli style. I performed both vocal and guitar parts interchangeably. I didn’t know what a bass guitar was, and drums were boring. I didn’t know the words to all of the songs, and even still there are some I can’t figure out, but I faked it pretty damn good. Never had a complaint. By the time I hit 9th grade, I found Metal, and Def Leppard was forgotten for more than a decade.

It was probably just to be funny that I started listening to Def Leppard again. Dr. Filth backed me up, and we made car rides miserable with our renditions of “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” We took the joke as far as to go see the band, not once, but twice. The second time was a fairly badass show, with Joan Jett as the opener. The first was at the New York State Fair.

Every stereotype you’ve ever seen about fairs is entirely true. Every fair is exactly like that, if not a little muddier. Why we thought we’d have any fun is beyond me now. Seating was general, and by the time we arrived, the amphitheater was filled. The opening band was already playing, but we could hardly hear them from where we sat. Someone told me later they’d come to this show with the opening band, and I liked that person a little less. It’s safe to assume the band had a name now, but I’d forgotten it before they were off stage.

From the top bleacher, Doc Filth and I stood at on the edge of a seething mass of hormones and chicken wings, and more than half wore cowboy hats. The drum set was minuscule. The band were matchstick figures, but matchstick figures that still could move.

From our perch at the top row, we were well above the heads of all the audience, and the band was just in sight if the lights were high. I’m assuming we had beers. We sat down and enjoyed our drinks. A pack of girthy redneck girls a few rows down yelled at us for the entire show to get up and dance. That sounded gross. Dr. Filth peppered them with spitwads instead.

Def Lep played the entire A-side of “Hysteria,” much of the B-side, and a few songs from other albums. We saw them touring for Euphoria, some time pre-9/11, and they played no more than two songs off that album. Clearly the band knew where their money was.

Continued tomorrow