The Arrest

DR. FILTH

Come in, you're right on time.. I knew you'd be here, I've been awake for a while. Mind if I finish my coffee before you put on the handcuffs? Yeah, I know about the handcuffs. Can't have me in the car unless I'm wearing the bracelets. This isn't my first time around the block. Would you believe this is the fourth time I've been arrested for this. I've never been arrested for anything else. Real threat to public safety, aren't I?

The girls in school always told me I'd be imprisoned for it one day, but I thought they were being facetious. Who believes that shit? The first time, I crumpled up the ticket and threw it away. I assumed the cop was joking. Then, one morning, I've got this 8 foot bald guy pounding on my door and flipping open a badge. I’d missed my court date, and he was here to collect me.

The same cop came the first three times. I'm kind of surprised to see someone new. Did he retire? I didn't think he was that old. I hope he's not dead. We had a thing going, first name basis. Well, my first name, I don't remember his. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it. If all goes well, I'll be home in bed in an hour. Court still start at 9? We don't have to rush, unless you've got someone else to pick up. I assume all the murderers and drug dealers are there waiting for us.

I was scared the first time. I mean, I’d never been arrested before. I've still never been arrested for anything else. Two cops led me into court and sat me in the middle of a row of angry-looking dudes in orange jumpsuits. Thank god they were chained and shackled, or one of them would have cut my throat right there in front of the judge. You'd think that kind of fear would make me learn my lesson.

I didn't know what to do, so I kept my head low and did whatever they told me. I'm sure by now you wish I'd do the same. Let me know if you want me to shut my trap. I'm not mad at you, you're just doing your job. It's a corrupt and broken system that's led both of us to this point. I see that look! Don't worry, I'm not going to wax philosophical. Did you know I'm a superhero? I can convince myself of anything.

Let me just say that I was a lucky that morning, because a buddy of mine had stopped by at random for breakfast. I didn't bring any money for a cab, or even a bus, and that was a cold morning. Once I was released, I was left to find my own way home. What's it like out there now? Should I grab a jacket? You guys are always happy to give me a ride in, but you'll never bring me back home. A not guilty man can suffer. You mind loosening the cuffs a little? I’m not exactly a violent offender. One size, of course. I’m cursed with big wrists.

The second time it happened, I was angry. Who gets arrested for this? I was being taken out of my house in handcuffs for the second time for the stupidest offense I've ever heard. I know what you're thinking. Now I've let it happen four times. I must be a simpleton. You've got to admit, this is unreal. Do the police seriously have nothing better to do than to arrest me for this? This is what I was thinking the second time I was… I repeat for emphasis… taken out of my house in handcuffs. Just like these.

You guys like it when a person is scared. You can admit it, I don’t mind. You’re also pleased with yourself when a person is pissed. No, no, I respect that kind of a thing. An angry person will remember. A person that didn’t learn their lesson through fear might be reached through anger. Not me, of course, but other people. Mind if we turn on the noise and the cherries? Do you have to fill out a form every time you do that, huh? No? Is that why I always see you guys buzz through reds and turn your lights off a few seconds later? Your job has to have some perks. Those of us paid to take a bullet for the public should have some leeway on the little things.

Little things, like this. I didn’t learn my lesson though. How many times was I taken out of my house in handcuffs? That’s right, four times as of today. Who is the judge today? Yep, same one as last time. She said I'd do 30 days if I came before her again. She’s tough. Woman judges never go easy on you. They’ve got something to prove. Probably hate men. No, of course, you can’t admit to something like that, but we both know it’s true.

You guys may like it when someone is scared, and you love it when someone is pissed. You know what you don’t like? Being laughed at. I found that out the hard way on trip number three. The cop came right in the house and started playing with my Flash action figures. Called him ‘Captain America.’ I almost corrected him, but he was not seeing, or pretending not to see what I left sitting on the coffee table the night before.

He must have thought it was funny. The booking cop, not so much. He had better things to do than write down my social security number and take my finger-prints. The whole event was so absurd though, and I couldn't stop laughing. The booking cop yelled at me and demanded I turn in my glasses. Court didn’t start for 15 minutes, and I was going to be kept in the cell block. I had to turn in my belt and my shoe-laces as well, so I couldn’t commit suicide. They've got me locked in that plexiglass pen talking through a tiny hole, laughing my fool head off.

Do you guys mind being called cops? I always thought ‘copper’ was the slang, until I read the history of the New York police and their copper badges. Turns out ‘cop’ is the slang after all. What do you guys prefer. Sure. Right.

So anyway, this guy thought I was a suicide risk. This hour I was spending before the court was going to be such a detriment to my life that I might gouge my eyes out with my own glasses, or hang myself with my shoelaces. I went as far as to joke that my only risk of dying came from tripping up the stairs when I can’t see. Dude didn't see the humor. Probably didn't like me calling him dude, either. I'm as blind as a bat. If I could take these things off now, I wouldn’t be able to see you. See, look, I’m looking over the rim of my glasses. You’re just one big blur behind a cage. Do me a favor, and ask they don’t make me go to court without them again.

Of course, I knew then he was punishing me for laughing, but I couldn’t help it. I thought the situation was pretty funny. How could you not? See! See! You chuckled. It’s bullshit, right? Don’t you have better things you could be doing? I wouldn’t mind being asleep, or maybe cooking breakfast. You should have just skipped this, I make a mean breakfast sandwich. I would have cooked one for you. No, I’m not trying to bribe you.

I told you, I'm a superhero. I work for Stupendous Guy. I'd been up all night fighting crime and stopped at the post office to mail off my rent, which was past due. The line was long, and everyone was miserable. Even though they have those big, red signs asking you to please turn off your cell phone, some redneck lady was blathering on and on about her weekend plans. She probably couldn't read that sign. The lady behind me was making comments about everyone in line, and when I finally turned around to say something to her, she's scratching her crotch like there's no tomorrow. I had a feeling it would turn out to be a bad day. Then the cop came in.

I could see in his beady little eyes what he was thinking as soon as he looked at me. I'd worked my way to second in line, and about twenty people were snaked between the vinyl ropes between us. He recognized me right away, and he was pissed. A couple hours before, I'd stumbled upon him just as a perp got loose and took off running. Just as I'm about to tackle the guy, the cop screams, "Trip him, you fat bastard!"

That's uncalled for. I know I'm a little huskier than you'd expect a superhero to be, but cut me some slack. I was there to help him, and he's cutting me down. I looked at him over my shoulder, and that's when the perp bashed me on the head with a garbage can and took off running. The cop was no racehorse himself, and had no chance of catching up. Me on the other hand, trapped in line at the post office and off-duty from superheroing, I was free game. He marched right to the front of the line and presented me with my appearance ticket.

Here we are, my second home at this point. Think you can parade me through like I’m a dangerous criminal? I almost joined the Legion of Badguys once. Maybe we can do the whole bag over the head thing? I think It's my costume that gives me trouble, a rubber axe protruding from a white T-shirt that reads "Let's Bury the Hatchet." It's kind of corny, but I cover it with a coat. That cop had no right ripping it off my chest. Who'd think a superhero could be ticketed by the Fashion Police?