Here in this Sorrow

Andrea Cummins

Tim will probably say I was leading him on, and it might be true. I was actually leading myself on, getting so close to him. It’s just so lonely up here, and I miss Eric so much. Last week, I almost kissed Tim. I think the only reason I didn’t was because I thought of Jenny at the last second. I thought of Eric kissing some girl down in Florida and how bad I would feel. I feel so guilty, both that I almost cheated on Eric, and that I gave Tim the impression that I liked him like that. It was all my fault, hanging off him the way I did. Of course, he would think I liked him. I feel so stupid, like such a tramp. I didn’t think he would break up with Jenny over me. Here I was telling him all along that I was still with my boyfriend in Florida, and that I was moving back there as soon as we graduated next month, and then I go and do this to him. I’m so ashamed of myself. He kind of deserved it though. Tim was just like everyone else, telling me I’d forget about Eric eventually. He said he was just trying to make me feel better, not knowing he was just making it worse. All along, he just wanted to get in my pants.

I wait a few minutes to let the commotion die down before I leave the library. I don't want to be associated with the mess. I’m pretty pissed at Tim. Jenny will probably get back with him, she didn’t seem like the brainiest girl I’ve ever met. When I told him he could do better, I meant that he shouldn’t be dating such a ditz. Tim is so smart, and has so much potential, but all she ever talked about was marrying him and having lots of kids. God, even if Eric and I got married, I don’t want to have any kids for a while.

I go downstairs, all the way to the basement floor, just walking and fuming. The only person in the hall is Christian Duke, who is sitting against the walls down near the corner. I introduced myself to him in September when I moved here. He was the only kid wearing a Misfits shirt, and was so jealous when I told him I saw them last year. He came running up to me a couple weeks ago and asked if I wanted to go see them again. I was never really into them though, but Eric was a punk rocker then, and took me to see them. It was fun, but I don’t have much desire to see them again.

As far as I know, Christian is safe. He’s obsessed with that Shannon Donahue girl, but is too much of a coward to make any kind of move. I told him to just suck it up and tell her. She seems to like him too. I hung out with them a couple times, and she seemed jealous of me. This was right at the beginning of the year when I first started school here, and I didn’t know anyone but Christian and his friends. I didn’t want to offend her, so I made sure to talk about Eric all the time. Christian is such a sweet guy. If I didn’t have someone waiting for me, I’d push her out of the way and put the moves on him myself.

I stop and talk to Christian for a couple minutes. I tell him about what happened with Tim, and he chuckles and says, “Are people really worth all this trouble?”

I laugh and tell him they aren’t. He is busy reading, so I move on to the art room at the end of the hall. It’s hidden away like some kind of secret dungeon that the rest of the world isn’t supposed to know about. In my old school, back in Florida, the art room is on the main floor, like the school is actually proud of it. I’ve been working on a painting of me transforming into a snake. It never had much meaning to me before, but today, it seems almost ironically appropriate.

The art room is closed eighth period, so I’m forced out when Mr. Gallagher locks up. When I walk down the hall again, Christian is still sitting there.

Go to Christian Duke.