First Rescue Free

Part 2

The Superhero Gang used a sparkling alabaster tower in the middle of downtown Metro City as their super-secret hideout. The building masqueraded as a bait-and-tackle shop, and local children were invited to fish in the stocked moat. The Superhero Gang was founded by Stupendous Guy, a nearly unstoppable “man-made-of-steel” rumored to come from another planet.

The world was sad when Stupendous Guy met his death at the hands of an extraterrestrial named Armageddon a few months later. More important, the Superhero Gang was devoid of leadership. Bureaucraticus was appointed chief executive of Superhero Gang Inc. Bureaucraticus felt Dr. Filth’s power had little application in crime-fighting, despite his value as a morale-booster. The cookies Dr. Filth baked before the Armageddon fight had invigorated the Gang enough to rally and help Stupendous Guy overcome the monster with his final breaths. Bureaucraticus was not fond of cookies, and those cookies were full of LSD. He tore up Dr. Filth’s membership card and ordered Incredible Expanding Injun to show Dr. Filth the door.

Dr. Filth was humiliated. His parents had only recently stopped claiming to be dead. Doc briefly considered joining the Legion of Badguys, but villainy was not in his blood. Being a super-hero brought respect, adoration, and the occasional one-night stand. On top of that, he spent his days with the super-strong, the super-smart, the super-rich, the oddly-colored, the incredibly agile, and even a few teleporters.

Printing a thousand business cards, Dr. Filth vowed one final attempt before he gave up super-life. One side provided his name, e-mail address, and cell phone number. The reverse was his symbol: Mudflap Girl, emphasizing the origin of his name in his liberal moral code, not his previous employment as a trash collector. When Metro City was in danger, Dr. Filth fantasized his logo lighting the clouds.

The “first rescue free” promotion was not as effective as Dr. Filth hoped. There was some coverage when he convinced himself he was fireproof and rescued a child from conflagration. Hailed as a hero, the resulting burns kept him out of the field for a week. Eventually, Dr. Filth convinced himself to get a part-time job in Gil’s book store, working for a bent old man who allowed Doc to continue using his super-hero name. Something about old Gil felt familiar. “Follow your dreams!” old Gil would say as they stacked and reorganized piles of books. “You don’t want to stack dusty volumes for the rest of your life, do you? You were a hero, don’t ever forget that. People looked up to you.”

Dr. Filth did not believe that any longer. He hadn’t been a hero. He had tagged along with the heroes, sucking off their respect and popularity. Since then, Dr. Filth drank cheap beer and ate untold amounts of salt potatoes. If Dr. Filth ever been a hero, he didn’t look like one now.

Continued tomorrow