First Rescue Free

Part 1

Dr. Filth’s third biggest dream, immediately after directing a porn movie and/or finding a large box of money, was to be a superhero. His chance came one day at Metro City Trust, withdrawing the last $20 of Unemployment for beer and cigarettes. Unnoticed in line he found Cat-Herder, one-time leader of the Legion of Badguys. Nearly seven feet tall and half as wide, Cat-Herder punched hard enough to put Stupendous Guy through a concrete wall. Dr. Filth convinced himself Cat-Herder was about to rob Metro City Trust.

Dr. Filth formulated a plan, placing himself behind Cat-Herder in the long line to the tellers. For a moment, he was quiet, studying the situation for the right moment to attack. “Excuse me, sir,” Doc said. From then on, everything went unscripted.

Cat-Herder turned and looked down at Dr. Filth. “What?”

Dr. Filth swallowed a golf ball. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking my mutual fund.” Cat-Herder turned away, his coat flopping open to reveal what Dr. Filth convinced himself was a string of dynamite belted to Cat-Herder’s stomach.

“He’s going to blow up the bank!” Dr. Filth cried, jumping behind the deposit slip kiosk. The rest of the bankers panicked, screaming and diving.

Cat-Herder stood resolute in the center of the chaos, fists on hips, glaring down at Dr. Filth. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” As Cat-Herder reached down, the floor-to-ceiling windows exploded behind him. Glass pebbles sprayed the terrified bankers, and Stupendous Guy made an entrance worthy of his name.

Stupendous Guy arrested Cat-Herder for causing a panic. He was carrying a bomb, but what Dr. Filth saw was a string of sausages Cat-Herder had wrapped around his body for a party that evening. He claimed the other device was a cigarette lighter, but Stupendous Guy had it exploded to be sure. Cat-Herder went up the river for another five years.

Vigilante justice had been legalized in Metro City after the Legion of Bad Guys manipulated the legal system to decriminalize all crime in Villain City across the river. The Legion encouraged new villains to pillage freely in Metro City, and no extradition was granted to offenders that made it home. Metro City issued special "vigilante licences" to private citizens with or without super-powers who wished to seek out justice to take in their own hands.

Stupendous Guy was impressed by Dr. Filth's ability to convince himself anything, and felt this would be an excellent quality for a superhero. Dr. Filth was drafted into the newly-formed Superhero Gang. The assembled heroes battled villains and monsters to keep Metro City safe for peace, love, and harmony. Dr. Filth was the only hero with dreadlocks.

Continued tomorrow.