Scene 3
Set: The Laboratory
Second curtain pulls back to reveal a cluttered laboratory full of heavy glass aquariums, and bulbous glass containers with multiple spouts connected by long, spiral tubes suspended over Bunson burners. A cat lays on one of the chairs. Stage hands in black remove the office scenery from the stage. DR. DENDROBATES and BEATRICE put on white “mad scientist” coats. DR. DENDROBATES prepares to exit.
LIGHTS UP
BEATRICE
Um... excuse me, Dr. Dendrobates. Isn’t it time to check on Specimens 124 and 777?
DR. DENDROBATES
Already? Yes, yes, let me have a look at them.
Um... excuse me, Dr. Dendrobates. Isn’t it time to check on Specimens 124 and 777?
DR. DENDROBATES
Already? Yes, yes, let me have a look at them.
He inspects the contents of the aquariums.
BEATRICE
Why does the government care if this drug makes salamanders and toads happier?
DR. DENDROBATES
Because a very large company thinks this little pill will make them a lot of money. Everyone knows, you can't trust a drug dealer, so regardless of any bribes that are made, the government must explore every situation where a human being may be harmed in some undesirable way. This is very important work we are doing here. I happen to own a patent to a chemical inadvertently created by the production of the drug. A number of years ago, when another company wanted to use it in a skin cream, I discovered it attacks the brains of amphibians, making them crazed with jealous rage. The chemical permeates a similar mucus membrane within our own pineal gland.
BEATRICE
Why do we isolate them?
DR. DENDROBATES
The company wants to market the pill as a depression drug. At the expense of a blundering pharmaceutical bent on squeezing a few more dollars out of the sad and disheartened, I am taking Science one step further, to the convolution of emotion its self! Think about it, Beatrice. What if I can prove these salamanders have healthy, loving friendships and relationships with each other, albeit primitive. What if they really do yearn for companionship when we put them in those tiny acrylic boxes. By poking and prodding and tormenting these little amphibians, we could change the way every human being looks at the living world around them.
BEATRICE
That's terrible!
DR. DENDROBATES
Just fill out the report as “Tests uncertain. Timeframe inadequate.” They don’t even read those damn things. Useless bureaucrats just collecting a paycheck if you ask me. I typed up a form letter, just make sure you write in ballpoint pen, or they’ll send it back.
BEATRICE
They don’t read them?
DR. DENDROBATES
A blue ballpoint pen. As far as I can tell, not a single report I've submitted has been examined by more than one set of eyes. Make sure it's a blue pen, or they will send it back.
BEATRICE
Why?
DR. DENDROBATES
This drug won't hit the market for maybe three years. Nobody cares. My reports get stuck in a filing cabinet for some intern to organize and re-alphabetize until they bring in the experts to interpret the data. There is no telling what this drug could do to our cellular structures if released on the general public, but nobody wants to hear.
BEATRICE
Have you called anyone about your findings?
DR. DENDROBATES
My Senator told me to just keep cashing the checks and not even worry about it. He said I probably already collected the data they need. I could quite reasonably shut down tomorrow.
BEATRICE
Then why are we still injecting those salamanders and frogs? They’re happy! Let’s leave them alone!
DR. DENDROBATES
I am a scientist, Miss Catts. That's what we do.
Why does the government care if this drug makes salamanders and toads happier?
DR. DENDROBATES
Because a very large company thinks this little pill will make them a lot of money. Everyone knows, you can't trust a drug dealer, so regardless of any bribes that are made, the government must explore every situation where a human being may be harmed in some undesirable way. This is very important work we are doing here. I happen to own a patent to a chemical inadvertently created by the production of the drug. A number of years ago, when another company wanted to use it in a skin cream, I discovered it attacks the brains of amphibians, making them crazed with jealous rage. The chemical permeates a similar mucus membrane within our own pineal gland.
BEATRICE
Why do we isolate them?
DR. DENDROBATES
The company wants to market the pill as a depression drug. At the expense of a blundering pharmaceutical bent on squeezing a few more dollars out of the sad and disheartened, I am taking Science one step further, to the convolution of emotion its self! Think about it, Beatrice. What if I can prove these salamanders have healthy, loving friendships and relationships with each other, albeit primitive. What if they really do yearn for companionship when we put them in those tiny acrylic boxes. By poking and prodding and tormenting these little amphibians, we could change the way every human being looks at the living world around them.
BEATRICE
That's terrible!
DR. DENDROBATES waves his hand and turns away.
DR. DENDROBATES
Just fill out the report as “Tests uncertain. Timeframe inadequate.” They don’t even read those damn things. Useless bureaucrats just collecting a paycheck if you ask me. I typed up a form letter, just make sure you write in ballpoint pen, or they’ll send it back.
BEATRICE
They don’t read them?
DR. DENDROBATES
A blue ballpoint pen. As far as I can tell, not a single report I've submitted has been examined by more than one set of eyes. Make sure it's a blue pen, or they will send it back.
BEATRICE
Why?
DR. DENDROBATES
This drug won't hit the market for maybe three years. Nobody cares. My reports get stuck in a filing cabinet for some intern to organize and re-alphabetize until they bring in the experts to interpret the data. There is no telling what this drug could do to our cellular structures if released on the general public, but nobody wants to hear.
BEATRICE
Have you called anyone about your findings?
DR. DENDROBATES
My Senator told me to just keep cashing the checks and not even worry about it. He said I probably already collected the data they need. I could quite reasonably shut down tomorrow.
BEATRICE
Then why are we still injecting those salamanders and frogs? They’re happy! Let’s leave them alone!
DR. DENDROBATES
I am a scientist, Miss Catts. That's what we do.
LIGHTS DOWN
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